I think this weekend I finally hit a wall.
We got home from vacation a week ago already on Sunday, and I know that I literally dove head first back into real life in probably too deep of a dive.
Oddly though, I felt pretty great last week! Maybe I was riding the vacation high- I don’t know. I remember thinking, huh! This wasn’t so bad after all.
There was a lot happening though, between all the unpacking, groceries, a mentally draining work week, all the BACK TO SCHOOL stuff (school pics, back to school night, 1st day excitement) happening instantly, soccer starting back up…..
Fortunately, we didn’t have anything much on the schedule for this weekend. I still felt fairly ambitious on Saturday, but by late afternoon on Saturday, I totally hit a wall. It’s like I just suddenly felt like a giant blob of slime or something. Ambition was officially zapped.
I spent a long time Sunday morning just sitting outside on the deck, doing nothing, really. The kids played with friends a bunch this weekend, and I was honestly happy to just sort of check out a little bit from too much parenting. I just felt “draggy”. Not bad, really, just like….BLAH.
Asher and I were supposed to go to this big, long, annual swim team meeting/ event Sunday night. I was dreading it all day, which is unlike me, because I usually appreciate being “in the know” about all the swim team stuff. I just did NOT feel like having to put on real clothes, chit chat with people, sit and listen to a presentation…. So after wrestling with it in my head for a while, I finally decided to just skip it.
<<GASP>>.
Hahaha. I felt a silly amount of guilt over skipping this big meeting!! I knew all of Asher’s swim friends and parents would be there, and I guess because I didn’t have a REASON to not go, I felt guilty. (Know what I mean? Like if Ethan had had a soccer tournament out of town, that would have been fine= good reason. Sitting at home in my PJs? Not a “good reason”, in my mind.)
I am really glad that I didn’t go though. Ivan had a soccer game Sunday late afternoon, and the boys were occupied. I didn’t end up just lounging around, actually, but I put a podcast on, lit a candle and quietly cleaned my office in peace. It actually hit the spot, because my dirty office was driving me nuts and it was oddly relaxing.
Went to bed fairly early on Sunday, and fortunately felt more refreshed and energized again by Monday.
Of course, I never learn, so I ended up having a pretty busy Monday, actually. But it felt like a good day.
I’m now 3 days in consistently on weekday morning walks. I’ve been squeezing them in right before breakfast for about 20 minutes. Usually the kids wake up about 10 minutes before I’m back and start getting ready, but I’m back with plenty of time left to oversee the rest of the morning routine. Feels like a win-win at the moment- “semi”-reclaiming that time for myself, but still home for breakfast/ chatting with boys before school.
Thought of the Day (see journal page):
A mother is a person who, seeing there are only 4 pieces of pie for 5 people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
(If that isn’t my own mother to a T, I don’t know what is!!!)
Daily Gratitude:
I am grateful that the kids’ bedtime routines have been going smoothly! We’ve really been working to enforce a slightly earlier bedtime than I think they would prefer, but so far, so good. A little nervous what will happen though when those later swim practices start up next week….
GRATEFUL KAE 
Hahaha, in real life I don’t like pie and give it out freely. You seem to have a great mama.
Tracking food in fitbit.com for an evaluation at the doctor. Maybe if I just write it down I will be more consistent! Idea!
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Totally understandable to hit a wall and congrats on doing what you needed to do! I also have a hard time not doing something without a “good excuse”. On your quote, I will say with two daughters I often think about motherhood and ensuring my kids know, and I model, that you need to maintain your own sense of self and not become a martyr. Made me think of Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed.
“Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.
What a terrible burden for children to bear—to know that they are the reason their mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear—to know that if they choose to become mothers, this will be their fate, too. Because if we show them that being a martyr is the highest form of love, that is what they will become. They will feel obligated to love as well as their mothers loved, after all. They will believe they have permission to live only as fully as their mothers allowed themselves to live.
If we keep passing down the legacy of martyrdom to our daughters, with whom does it end? Which woman ever gets to live? And when does the death sentence begin? At the wedding altar? In the delivery room? Whose delivery room—our children’s or our own? When we call martyrdom love we teach our children that when love begins, life ends. This is why Jung suggested: There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.”
― Glennon Doyle, Untamed
This gets pretty deep but do think it brings up good point. But I also get your quote is just about pie 😉
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Thanks for sharing that! That IS deep, but very thought provoking! I have not read that book yet, but have definitely heard of it. You’re also right, though, that my quote was mostly just about pie, hahahah! I think there’s a balance to strike in all of that. Small sacrifices like giving up a little piece of pie “to be nice” is one thing, but I think I know what the author there is referring to, and I can see the problem. I’d never really thought about it in that way exactly though before, so thanks again for sharing that excerpt! (There are times, too though, that we will be eating something as a family, and I’ll offer some to my mom, and she will literally say “Well, are you sure there’s enough??” And I have rolled my eyes at her and been like MOM. Seriously, TAKE SOME NOW. You are obviously entitled to your fair share, not just leftover scraps of whatever the rest of us don’t eat!!! Ha. Even though on the whole, I never really feel she has a “martyr” mindset…I think it’s just about little things like treats! lol!)
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It was better to skip something that wasn’t essential versus going and wishing you weren’t there the whole time! Sometimes you just have to opt out of things. And you have had a really busy series of week between a really long vacation that took a lot of planning on your part and then jumping right back into back to school mode! You’d be a super-human if you didn’t hit a wall, IMO!
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I’m so glad you skipped it and gave yourself some time to yourself to rejuvenate! ❤
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I am so proud of you Kae. I feel like people feel like they are obligated to go and do EVERYTHING just because. I wish more people would recognize that staying home and being alone ISN’T the worst thing in the world. I am so thankful that I have a family that understands the need to stay home and have quiet time. I thrive when I can recharge on my own. Hopefully the next event will be something you’re looking forward to and will want to attend, if not … skip that one too! 🙂
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Thanks Lindsay! It can be hard to do in our culture, especially as a parent, I think! Lots of “expectations” (self imposed or otherwise) 🙂
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