We had a great Thanksgiving! It’s a little strange and wistful to me how quickly the holidays come and go…. and then in a blink they come around again…. Anyway, every year is special that we get to be together. 💕
Wednesday
Our festivities kicked off on Wednesday evening. My parents arrived late afternoon just as I was wrapping up work.
When Ivan got home, we went to Thanksgiving church at 6:30 p.m. which was really nice. The sermon fittingly focused on the idea of “contentment”, both when things go our way, and when they don’t. Both when the Lord gives, and when He takes away.
Afterwards we went out for dinner at Buck and Honey’s. It was a good choice to stay very close to home because it was COLD. And windy.
Inside it was cozy and they were already decked for the holidays:
They had live music in the bar area and we shared 2 big, delicious pizzas. 🙂
I should have taken a picture of the boys. Darn.
Thanksgiving
On Thursday, we woke up without too much to do!
We have talked over the years about how Thanksgiving is great but can sometimes end up feeling like way TOO much work, hustle, etc to get all the different foods ready (and then subsequently all cleaned up….). Sometimes, instead of feeling relaxed and enjoyable, it can feel a bit exhausting and harried. (And our Thanksgiving is always very small, relatively speaking! Usually just us and my parents, though many years Ivan’s sister + family has joined us too- so usually it’s been around ~10 people.)
Our smaller crowd, though, means fewer cooks. My dad and I always do 100% of the cooking, unlike at bigger gatherings where it seems like everyone divides up the workload and each family just brings 1-2 items.
After some reflection, we had said we wanted to try and make Thanksgiving more relaxed this year – less “work” and more “enjoyment”. Our options were to: a) drastically cut back on the number of dishes we make (admittedly, we create a lot of our own issues by insisting on making too many things….) or b) be better about cooking/prepping ahead of time!
Ultimately, we cut back a little on the number of dishes (old habits die hard…), but we mostly got our gold stars for our pre-Thanksgiving planning and cooking!
My dad made the turkey at his house the day before along with the stuffing and gravy, so there was no turkey roasting or carving and all that mess on Thanksgiving Day.
I also shopped early Monday morning and then made all the rest slowly, in advance, between Monday night and Wednesday. I made acorn squash with brown sugar, mashed potatoes, corn, Watergate salad, corn bread muffins, and pumpkin pie dump cake. I even had the littlest details ready in advance, like the cranberry sauce and a bowl of black olives covered and ready to go in the fridge.
All in all I was very happy with how this all turned out! The ONLY thing left to do on Thanksgiving Day was make my apple pie (which I intentionally left, because, well, I needed something to do that morning! lol! I traditionally putter with that while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV in the kitchen.) (And later of course we had to still heat all the food, which does take a while.)
Here was my kitchen around the time of the Packer game kickoff at noon:
My apple pie:
I also went on an impromptu “adventure” Thursday morning with my parents to drive by some new-construction “condo style” side by side homes that are going up near us. My parents have been sort of toying with the idea of if it might make sense for them to move our way now as they’re getting older. They still live near where I grew up, about 1 hour 15 minutes away. It’s not FAR far, but it’s not like, “Hey, want to stop over for dinner?” close, either. Fortunately, my parents are both still in excellent health, my dad can still drive the interstate here, etc., so the distance has not (yet) become a problem.
But they are 75 now, and I guess we don’t really know what the next 5-10-15+ years will look like. They have zero family of any kind locally where they live now. (I only have one sibling, and she lives VERY FAR away, in Ireland!!!)
From a logistical standpoint, it would be much easier (for all of us) to have them right in town- not only to see them more often (and more easily, without requiring them to pack for an overnight stay, etc.), but we’d also be close by to help with anything they needed (and, God forbid, if something were to happen to one of them…). It would also be nice to deal with the stress of a move calmly, and in a controlled fashion, before we’re potentially dealing with a “they have to suddenly move” situation or something.
It’s a very tough decision though, because they have a beautiful condo now that my dad has spent literally years customizing and building everything inside just how they like it. (They bought it brand new right around when I graduated college and they sold my childhood home.) They also love their city and have lived in the general area for like, 50 years now! So it’s not a light decision. I’d hate for them to move here because of us and then end up not liking it here or something…. And, like I said, currently, they are perfectly independent and don’t “need” to be near us, technically, yet….
Anyway! These new constructions (only 5 minutes from us!) seem like they could be a great option for them, if they were to the point of wanting to move here. We all agree it’s complicated and confusing, though. We (Ivan and I) are also not 100% sure what our lives will look like once the boys are college aged and beyond… so that makes things a little fuzzy, too.
*Has anyone been through a similar situation with aging parents and living situations/ potential moves? You guys always have so many good insights- would love to hear about it, if so!
Back home, we enjoyed watching the Packers beat the Lions! Woohoo!!
After the game, I showered finally and we got ready for our Thanksgiving dinner! We like to eat around 4-5 pm, when it’s getting dark and the twinkle lights and candles look pretty and festive.
My new pumpkin pie dump cake! We have a couple of hesitant pumpkin fans in the group, so I was unsure how this would go over, but decided to try it anyway. Turns out the boys LOVED it and there is now just one tiny piece left.
The table ready. Thanks mom for setting and decorating it, as always!
The cooks! 💕
Forced family shots 😉
Time to eat!
My plate. Ha. I didn’t go hungry!!! 😬😬 Ah well, it’s one meal a year… 😉 Go big or go home.
Charlie joined me AFTER dinner, don’t worry. (I did sprinkle some turkey and gravy and a little bit of mashed potatoes on top of his dinner! hehe.)
The turkey + wine coma was REAL for me. After dinner we settled in to watch Christmas movies. We started with one on Netflix called Jingle Bell Heist that is set in London, which was okay but I found kind of slow. (Apparently it was #1 on Netflix that day…).
Later we watched A Merry Little Ex-Mas with Alicia Silverstone and Melissa Joan-Hart, also on Netflix, which I liked better… but I could not stay awake by the halfway point and finally gave in and just dozed off on the couch. 🤣 I’ll have to watch the other half today, lol!
And that was a wrap on Thanksgiving 2025. Good conversation, good food, good family, good times…. I’d say we checked all the boxes. ☺️ ‘Til next year!
Today it’s Saturday and we’re getting our first big snowstorm of the season!! They’re saying like 10-12 inches!! Wowzers. I am actually here for it! Asher’s swim practice was already cancelled, and sadly, the local Holiday Fire Truck Parade tonight that his swim team was supposed to be in also has already been cancelled. Definitely the right call, but sad. I was looking forward to that fun, free, and nearby local event!
Hoping to lean into all things cozy today, though, enjoy my Christmas tree and lights and probably do some online shopping! Maybe while sipping hot chocolate. 😉
GRATEFUL KAE 
That decision about your parents is tough. My parents designed their home to allow it to last them through their retirement years and they would not want to live near me. So I think they will stay put for quite some time. Phil’s mom is still in her big suburban home with an upstairs bedroom which is not ideal. I wish she would look into a senior apt but it’s up to her and Phil. She’s a good 30 min from us so it’s not far but also not close. Phil goes there every other weekend with one or both kids for 6+ hours to spend time with her/work on a big to do list… it’s a lot. But she would never want to live around us because she finds our area of the city overwhelming. It wouldn’t be once she got used to it but I know change is hard. I had asked if she wants to live closer to us in the past and she said she wants to stay by her friends… but her friends are not coming over for 12+ hours/month to help out… so it’s COMPLICATED!
I am glad you had a less stressful Thanksgiving! I never host since our house is small and I don’t think I would be trusted to make a turkey. lol. My brother in the suburbs or my parents host. I love it when my brother hosts as then we don’t have to travel! I ran a 10k that morning so ate to my heart’s delight as I was starving! We eat at 1pm and then have dessert and some leftovers around 6.
We are getting snow, too, but only 3-6”. We are supposed to have Thanksgiving with Phil’s extended family today. They are such a fun group so I hope it still happens! My MIL was going to come to our house and spend the night but now she will stay home since the weather isn’t great. Phil offered to go get her but she said not to.
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That situation with Phil’s mom is so hard! That really puts a lot of stress and pressure on him (and you), especially with you guys also having such young kids AND your heavy work travel schedule. Though of course he wants to help! It’s too bad she couldn’t move closer to you guys and then just somehow go visit her friends- it seems like going 30+ minutes for a visit now and then would be easier than Phil having to go back and forth to work at her house all the time. And a big house with an upstairs! That seems so impractical…. But I know some older people (my grandma was one of them) get EXTREMELY tied to having to “stay in their house”.
I’m glad you had a nice Thanksgiving!! 🙂 Good job on your 10k race!
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Your Thanksgiving sounds really lovely. Planning and prepping ahead — and sharing the work with your dad — seems like the way to do it! I love all the photos of you and your family. What a nice time together!
My parents are in their… late seventies, now? I guess? Which boggles my mind. Sometimes they seem the same as always, and sometimes they seem *old*. Both of them are still fairly healthy and very active, although the health issues really seem to rack up. I think you know that they decided to move to my state a few years ago. They still have a home in my home state, and they stay there each summer, but they now have a residence in a retirement community with graduated care options. My brother also lives FAR away, so if they were going to move to live near one of us, it made sense that it was me. (Plus, I have the only grandchild.)
Kae, it has been such a blessing in so many ways. I LOVE having them nearby, and spending time with them doing both special things, like family holidays, and mundane things, like changing the oil in the car or going shopping. It all feels like such a gift of time. I feel like I have reconnected with my mom in a way I did not anticipate, and I feel like my dad is unloading a lot of Things He Wished He’d Taught Me, by way of home improvement projects, that feels really important and worthwhile. Ack, I am getting all choked up just typing this. Our time together is finite, and it feels so precious and I am so very glad they made the choice to move here.
That said, it has been hard on my dad. He misses life in the wilderness, puttering around his forest and taking care of thing with his own two hands. My state is beautiful in its way, but it’s boring and busy and loud compared to where they are used to. And I am just guessing, but I think being surrounded by old people — especially when there seems to be an endless cycle of health problems and dementia and death — is really hard on my dad. It kind of shoves his own mortality right in his face, you know?
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s a super hard decision, and it will have advantages and disadvantages. But for ME, the benefits so far outweigh the negatives that I wish they’d moved here back when my daughter was a baby.
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Awww, thank you for such a thoughtful comment Suzanne. 💕 You sound so truly happy and grateful to have your parents nearby and it’s so wonderful that it has all worked out so well for you guys! I am sure your parents are also cherishing every moment. It is sad though about your parents leaving their original home… I think it sounds even worse for someone like your dad who is used to a “wilderness lifestyle” and all the physical labor and hobbies he is used to. I am sure doing that work is/was a huge part of his identity, and having to give that up must be a very sobering reminder of his age and mortality.
In the case of my parents, they already just live in a suburban condo, so they could largely live basically the exact same lifestyle here. The new place would in all practical purposes be very similar to what they currently have, and there would even be some other minor but convenient benefits (for example, my dad exercises at the YMCA multiple times a week, and there is a neighborhood YMCA literally RIGHT down the street at the new place! He could walk to it!). Being here they’d have all the same independence they’re used to, but with the added benefit of us being able to see each other more often (at this age when time is of the essence, I guess!) AND a “safety net” of having us nearby. I think the biggest thing for me is that I like the idea of them moving proactively, before a tragedy or something happens and everyone is scrambling under extreme pressure and stress- at which time the ideal location may no longer be available, etc….It’s still a hard decision though! I so appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences.
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Oh, how lucky that they wouldn’t be trading a particular lifestyle for something less enjoyable. In that case, what is the hold up?!?! Lol, just kidding — I know it’s a big decision. I agree, though, that being proactive is the way to go. Hoping that they make a choice that makes sense for all of you.
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Happy Thanksgiving, Kae. It sounds like you had a really lovely time with your family and I love that you made it “low key”. It doesn’t always have to be this “big production”. And you still had an amazing feast! So fun you got to cook together with your dad. I love that.
As you know, I am the one who lives FAR AWAY from my family and it’s very hard sometimes. I am close to my sister and my parents and I miss them a lot. I am very, very thankful that my parents – also in their mid 70s – are in pretty good health and active, but also that my sister literally lives 10 minutes away. It gives me a lot of peace of mind. I can imagine it would be a huge move for your parents to live closer to you, but it also feels like you all love to spend so much time together and it would be so much easier for you to help them out if things started to be more difficult sometime down the road (hopefully not for a long time!). They might not think about it now, but what I learned from my MIL’s pretty rapid decline earlier this year, having family close was one of her biggest wishes and a huge source of comfort.
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I know it’s so hard for you to be so far away, San!! Especially as people are getting older… I’m glad your sister is so nearby though, at least. That’s a bit how it is for Ivan, being here and his parents in Mexico. Fortunately he still has 3 other siblings living in Mexico, 2 right in town where his parents are. With my parents it’s such a hard decision because they are really happy where they are! So I hate to even encourage them to move when I know how much they love their condo and where they are. It’s something that really has to be up to them. It’s extra hard because there isn’t really a “need” at the moment- it would be more of a convenience thing for now, mostly. My mom especially doesn’t like the drive here anymore (she doesn’t drive the interstate anymore (my dad drives) but she just doesn’t even like the busy drive/ having to come through traffic to get here, etc.) so I think from that standpoint it would be a convenience.
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It’s great idea to cook slowly over few days instead of the day. I used to do that when hosting more.
Aging parents is a topic that is always in my mind especially given that we live far far away. My in laws are healthy and live near extended family. My mom lives alone but near her relatives too. So far we will continue as we are, but for my next job I plan to go back to Asia to be near them. If anything happens to them and need care, husband will go back to China while me and the kids stay wherever my job is. This was a topic we talked about when we first got back together 10 years ago. It’s important to have this understanding agreed early on.
For us, the big cooking feast would be the Chinese new year. Not sure how we will celebrate next year as we are in a new city again but something yummy for sure.
Happy thanksgiving!
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That’s great that you guys have already talked about this! Especially with you being SO far away and you both having families on the other side of the world. It’s smart to have already done some longer range planning and thinking with your husband vs just waiting and suddenly being “surprised” when things happen and you aren’t ready.
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your Christmas decor is sooo cozy 🥰 happy Thanksgiving!
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Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving to you too!
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Now, what happens here, Kae, is that my parents have always lived in the same city as I do. That being said, I’m applying for the volunteering roles at several senior care organizations right now. No, those volunteering roles are not forced upon me – I’m seeking them out. To elaborate on how me planning on volunteering at a senior care organizations relates to your situation with aging parents and living situations/ potential moves can easily make this comment of mine exceed 1000 words, and I’ll need you to tell me if you’d like me to continue, Kae.
I can see how doing the preps on the day before reduces the chores you do on the actual day, Kae.
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That’s so nice that your parents are right nearby. Do you see them often? I am curious what your interest is in volunteering for senior care organizations, Yukun.
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I see my parents once per week for about 8 to 10 hours. And no, I do not need to do most of the chores around the house for them. I just need to do a little chores. Now, one thing to notice about my parents is that they do not want to add burden to me because of their ailments. This means that they’re proactively caring for their health right now. I’ll assume that that’s the case for your parents right now as well, Kae.
I’d also like to make a correction that you and your family weren’t just prepping on the day before Thanksgiving, Kae – you were prepping from Monday all the way through to Wednesday.
I’ve actually already discussed with someone via LinkedIn back in Mar. 2024 what my interests are in volunteering for senior care organizations. So, in order for me to send the screenshots of those discussions to you so that you can verify that those discussions did, in fact, take place in 2024, Kae, I will need you to tell me how I can send those screenshots to you. The first key interest that I have in volunteering at senior care organizations is to figure out is who is going to care for me if I’m to reach age 80 or age 90. It occurs to me that it is necessary for me to care for senior citizens at the same organization all the way until I reach age 80 or age 90. That is the only way through which I can be sure that I’ve figured out who is going to care for me by the time I can barely walk.
The following is my understanding: If I persist volunteering at a senior care organization for the decades to come, then as time passes by, there will be more and more new people who will come to join me to volunteer at this organization. Among those people, there will be those who were born 10 years after I was born, and there will be those who were born 20 years after I was born. The longer I volunteer at the this organization, the more people will join. The longer I volunteer at the this organization, the larger the age difference between me and the newly joined person will be. By the time I myself have reached, say, age 87 and find that I can barely put my own clothes on, I will need to think about the possibility that the only people that I can rely on are those of my colleagues at this organization who are born decades after I was born. If that possibility turns out to be true, then I will need to understand that those colleagues who are born decades after I was born are the only people in the world who are willing to care for me.They will treat me just the way I myself used to treat senior citizens.
It’s actually 10:40 p.m. where I live now, Kae. I’ll continue tomorrow. Before I go, though, I’ll briefly mention a podcast episode’s title as well: “Best of Both Worlds podcast: Elder care essentials with Lauren Smith”.
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So, as you can see, a key factor here is that I’ll need to stick with the same senior care organization. That’s what actually solves the issue of finding the group of people who will care for me if my ability to go to the washroom on my own becomes questionable one day. This implies that, preferably, the organization that I’ll volunteer at will be an organization that has branches in different places. Like, for instance, Home Instead is one example of an organization that I plan to enter, and it has branches in a number of different countries – which is actually like YMCA. If I change the location where I live, I can always go to a different Home Instead branch in the new location where I live. Home Instead’s mission is to enhance the aging experience by providing practical support right at the senior citizen’s home. Right now, the requirements of the staff members at this organization for me is that I upgrade my driver’s license before they can let me into this organization. That’s what I’ve been doing right now.
I actually have 2 other key interests in volunteering for senior care organizations as well. My 2nd key interest is that by getting familiar with the senior citizens I serve, I will get to know their lives’ stories, and I’ll look for life lessons – if there are any – in their lives’ stories. My 3rd key interest is that by serving senior citizens, I will get to know what their views of their own mortality are. I’ll not expand too much on those 2 points, though, Kae, unless you’d like me to. The point is, if I have the wherewithal to prepare for the day that I can barely walk, then it’s no surprise that my parents have the wherewithal to prepare for the day that they can barely walk as well. That preparation, though, does not necessarily involve me as the only person who will care for them. There will be others who’ll participate as well. At this point, though, my parents are not really sick, taking pills every day, etc. That being said, my mother would actually prefer me to move from where I live right now, which is a 30-minute drive from where they live, or 50 minutes by public transit, to a location that is right next door to them. That’s something I’m still discussing in detail with her. And for your information, both of my parents are in their 60s right now.
Which brings us back to your situation, Kae. My understanding is that you’ve told your parents all about the consequences of not moving, which is that if an emergency does happen, they will not have you right beside them to care for them, and it may take months for you to get to where they live after an emergency happens, since you also need to arrange for things at your workplace, and the ideal house that you, Kae, have identified may no longer be available at that point, and that if your parents have 3 days left to live, you may not have the capacity to arrive on time to see them draw their last breath, and that your parents understand that that is the consequence of not moving. If that is the case, and they still decide not to move, then I’m afraid that you’ll need to accept that they are not moving. If your parents do make the move eventually, but their move is not a result of their own free choice, then my experience tells me that there does exist the possibility that at some point in the future, they’ll just make the move away from your city once again. A moment ago I discussed my plans with senior care organizations. If your parents have already found a senior care organization that’ll care for them, and you, Kae, upon interrogating that organization, have found out that that organization actually turns out to be competent, then I doubt if it is the case that you’ll be the only person in the world who’s willing to care for your parents. If your parents never find such an organization, or if they do find it, but you deem that organization incompetent upon interrogating that organization, then there’s at least still some ground for you to state that you’re the only person in the world who is willing to care for your parents. There’s also a 3rd potential scenario, namely, that you don’t think any senior care organization in the world is competent enough to care for your parents, Kae. If that’s the case, then that’ll be such a fascinating scenario that I’ll definitely have fun bringing it up to the Home Instead organization. I’ll bet that the Home Instead organization will think of that scenario as valuable information.
Finally, this blog post does remind me of a BOBW episode called “Elder care essentials with Lauren Smith”. And yes, this episode made mention of YMCA as well. And I have good news for you. Kae: This episode also emphasizes the importance of having discussions with the parents early on. Of course, you may have already listened to that episode. If that’s true, then never mind. And I’ll end my comment right here.
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It sounds like it worked great to spread out all the Thanksgiving cooking over a few days.
Your parents deciding to move is a tricky situation. My parents are in their late 70s and I’m an only child but they are divorced and live in two different states. So far they seem to want to stay where they are but it’s nice that you and your family are considering options before your needs force a decision. Could they sublet. a place in your town for. a couple of months to try it out?
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That’s even harder- 2 different states! Things like this are so complicated. The thing with my parents (and especially my mom) is that they are quite… picky and particular. I feel like some friends/acquaintances have parents who have moved nearby and they are a bit more, I don’t know, happy to just sort of live anywhere pretty nice that’s nearby. My parents however are very particular about the type of place, the set up, the neighborhood, the amenities, etc. My mom can get very hung up on tiny details and it can turn things into an endless cycle of basically not making a decision… ha, and she is also not very good with change (even in situations when ultimately the outcome WOULD be a good thing that she’d probably be ultimately happy with…). I personally am also pretty indecisive on the whole (LOL, like mother like daughter, I guess) and can see a big list of pros/cons, myself, so I’m certainly not wanting to “force” it or push the idea, either, and end up being responsible for their unhappiness in some way if they moved and didn’t like it/ regretted it!….I am not sure what the right answer is.
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So, as you can see, a key factor here is that I’ll need to stick with the same senior care organization. That’s what actually solves the issue of finding the group of people who will care for me if my ability to go to the washroom on my own becomes questionable one day. This implies that, preferably, the organization that I’ll volunteer at will be an organization that has branches in different places. Like, for instance, Home Instead is one example of an organization that I plan to enter, and it has branches in a number of different countries – which is actually like YMCA. If I change the location where I live, I can always go to a different Home Instead branch in the new location where I live. Home Instead’s mission is to enhance the aging experience by providing practical support right at the senior citizen’s home. Right now, the requirements of the staff members at this organization for me is that I upgrade my driver’s license before they can let me into this organization. That’s what I’ve been doing right now.
I actually have 2 other key interests in volunteering for senior care organizations as well. My 2nd key interest is that by getting familiar with the senior citizens I serve, I will get to know their lives’ stories, and I’ll look for life lessons – if there are any – in their lives’ stories. My 3rd key interest is that by serving senior citizens, I will get to know what their views of their own mortality are. I’ll not expand too much on those 2 points, though, Kae, unless you’d like me to. The point is, if I have the wherewithal to prepare for the day that I can barely walk, then it’s no surprise that my parents have the wherewithal to prepare for the day that they can barely walk as well. That preparation, though, does not necessarily involve me as the only person who will care for them. There will be others who’ll participate as well. At this point, though, my parents are not really sick, taking pills every day, etc. That being said, my mother would actually prefer me to move from where I live right now, which is a 30-minute drive from where they live, or 50 minutes by public transit, to a location that is right next door to them. That’s something I’m still discussing in detail with her. And for your information, both of my parents are in their 60s right now.
Which brings us back to your situation, Kae. My understanding is that you’ve told your parents all about the consequences of not moving, which is that if an emergency does happen, they will not have you right beside them to care for them, and it may take months for you to get to where they live after an emergency happens, since you also need to arrange for things at your workplace, and the ideal house that you, Kae, have identified may no longer be available at that point, and that if your parents have 3 days left to live, you may not have the capacity to arrive on time to see them draw their last breath, and that your parents understand that that is the consequence of not moving. If that is the case, and they still decide not to move, then I’m afraid that you’ll need to accept that they are not moving. If your parents do make the move eventually, but their move is not a result of their own free choice, then my experience tells me that there does exist the possibility that at some point in the future, they’ll just make the move away from your city once again. A moment ago I discussed my plans with senior care organizations. If your parents have already found a senior care organization that’ll care for them, and you, Kae, upon interrogating that organization, have found out that that organization actually turns out to be competent, then I doubt if it is the case that you’ll be the only person in the world who’s willing to care for your parents. If your parents never find such an organization, or if they do find it, but you deem that organization incompetent upon interrogating that organization, then there’s at least still some ground for you to state that you’re the only person in the world who is willing to care for your parents. There’s also a 3rd potential scenario, namely, that you don’t think any senior care organization in the world is competent enough to care for your parents, Kae. If that’s the case, then that’ll be such a fascinating scenario that I’ll definitely have fun bringing it up to the Home Instead organization. I’ll bet that the Home Instead organization will think of that scenario as valuable information.
Finally, this blog post does remind me of a BOBW episode called “Elder care essentials with Lauren Smith”. And yes, this episode made mention of YMCA as well. And I have good news for you. Kae: This episode also emphasizes the importance of having discussions with the parents early on. Of course, you may have already listened to that episode. If that’s true, then never mind. And I’ll end my comment right here.
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Your Thanksgiving looks lovely.
I am going through similar things with my own parents. They relocate to the town where I live for four months in the winter, but their main residence is still located in the middle of nowhere in another province. Neither of my parents wants to leave (I get it; it’s beautiful), but their health is in a steady state of decline and being so far away from civilization (read: hospitals!) and with all the work that comes with living in the country (splitting wood, long driveway) there is definitely a limited amount of time left they can stay there.
It’s difficult to find the perfect timing; to stay long enough to enjoy all the freedom and flexibility possible while leaving BEFORE it’s an emergency.
I guess if I could wave a magic wand, I would have my parents in a graduated retirement situation already. But I don’t think my mom would willingly do that yet at this stage.
But it is VERY SAD knowing that at some point in the not so distant future they’ll have to sell and leave the property they love so much. It simply isn’t compatible with aging.
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Thanks for chiming in- I was hoping you would, since I know your parents are already nearby part of the year (and I love that I have literally seen the house they rent! SO CLOSE to you!). I also know how much you love being able to run into your dad “out in the wild” lol and have them so close… while ALSO loving going to their much farther away lake house to visit them, too! So I know you get the complexity of it all. Your parents’ situation sounds more like Suzanne’s, where the home property is a ton of work and truly not sustainable. Fortunately, my parents’ current condo is very realistic and doable for them to live in longer term. So at least that’s not an issue. I guess I wish they could just stay where they are, because they seem overall happy there, but then we could wave a magic wand and teleport them here (or us there) in 2.5 seconds any time we want to be together. Ha!
One negative where they currently live is that my dad is heavily involved in a major volunteer role with their condo association as the exterior maintenance coordinator. It is a TON OF WORK and while he’s really great at it, sometimes I feel like it’s just too much. It eats up so much time- which who knows how much he even has left! Is this really how he wants to be spending his late 70s?? I personally feel like he’s done so much over the years- he’s more than done his time to contribute!- so maybe it’s time to put that to rest now. But he feels like he can’t quit really “unless he moves or dies” (his words LOL.)… you know how those situations can be. And now there’s some new drama being stirred up between people there… his job requires a ton of organizing, dealing with contractors, residents, etc and of course people are always going to be unhappy or complain about something… it’s all just too stressful. I often wish he could get away from all of that, and moving would be likely the only way he’ll let that go… (that said, I know he finds value and satisfaction in doing that work and it keeps him active and ‘young’ and sharp and all of that, too, so there are certainly benefits, I’m sure.).
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It’s nice that your parents are already in a condo and fairly close by! Even if an urgent need to move arose, it likely could be done quickly. Downsizing from SFH to condo (and selling of the SFH), especially between states/long distance, is the big stressor, logistically, physically, and emotionally. I def understand wanting to “get ahead of it,” but it’s a tough proposition without any true urgency or genuine desire to move on their part (like if the drive back and forth is getting burdensome/limiting for either party, they’re not seeing you all enough/miss you, or they’re tired of their town/home and ready for a change). If they’re super happy where they are, that counts for a lot! My parents sold their SFH of 35 yrs a few yrs back (went well but was huge undertaking, esp for 70+ yr olds) due to a fairly urgent need to get into a one level home, and also bc the sellers’ market at that moment was excellent, so they got immediate/good offers on the aging home. (That may or may not be a factor to consider when timing this as well, depending on the market in your area and financial goals.) My parents have adjusted well to their new area overall (not actually closer to me, unf, granted I also have moved since then) but … they don’t love it/have some regrets. The familiarity/amenities of their old town are missed for sure, more than anticipated. It’s definitely complicated.
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Yes, that’s a good point that it maybe wouldn’t be THAT hard to move them quickly, if needed. I think the bigger issue is that my parents and mom especially are just SO PICKY about things. I think if they stay put for now, they may need to accept the fact that if/when a situation became more dire, they’d have to be willing to potentially abruptly move to a place they aren’t as happy with. These new condo constructions that are available now seem like the most “perfect” fit we’ve seen in our area, which doesn’t really have a ton of these sorts of options (though I suppose if they were able to stay long enough where they are, maybe they’d eventually move right into a senior apartment or something?).
That’s a bummer, too, about your parents not really loving their new community. That’s something I worry about too a bit. Our area has a different overall vibe from their current community, though it’s similar in other ways and maybe even more ‘convenient’ in some ways too. I think they’d probably ultimately settle in fine here, especially since they’ve spent so much time here with us over the years- they’re pretty familiar and comfortable here already! But it is different, and their current town is a very nice fit for them, so it is hard and something I think about for sure.
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Good luck, that is a BIG decision. I had the opposite with my parents – we moved 10 hours away. But I’m now next door to my MIL. So…I guess it’s a trade off? Anyway, it’s not a light decision. I know 100% my parents will NEVER move here for a variety of reasons, so I just have to hope that things will go okay when they inevitably need help.
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Wishing you and your parents clarity on a tough decision. It sounds smart to move proactively, but I know it’s not a simple choice.
We also did a lot of cooking proactively and that simplified things a lot the day of! We don’t do turkey though (my husband’s grandmother keeps kosher and we prefer to have dairy at the table), so that definitely makes it easier!
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That’s big decision for your parents but good to be thinking about. My FIL moved to be near us a few years ago and it’s been great. He was motivated as many of his local friends had moved away to be with their families/ grandkids so it made sense. I was keen for him to move to a retirement apartment with options for support as needed but he bought a bungalow (sorry British reader here, is that a thing in the US, it’s a single storey home) and it’s worked out fine. He’s about a ten minute drive from us and lives near a playground so we often go and take him for walk with the kids (6yo + 9yo) they enjoy the playground and we get him moving. Good luck with this decision, good to be thinking through the options.
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Your Thanksgiving looks PERFECT! Another thing you did to make things easier was eat out on Wednesday night. We try to do a lot of food prep on Wednesday, but then it’s like “wait- we need to eat DINNER tonight!” Going out for pizza is a brilliant idea.
I don’t have any gret advice about your parents. I never had that exact situation to deal with- but any way you look at it, dealing with ging parents is so, so hard. I see you have some good comments from others on this subject though!
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Hooray for that Packers win!! That was fun.
Your Thanksgiving looks so cozy and warm; I want to just jump right into your photos.
As for parents living close, I wish my mom lived closer. With our move, we are now only 45 minutes from David’s parents, which is great, but still just about 3 hours from my mom. I wish she’d move closer but also understand that that’s the house she built with my dad and she has so many memories there.
It’s tough as we all get a little older to figure those things out. No advice to give, but my dream would be to live on a family compound so clearly I vote the closer the better! ha. 🙂
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I’m already trying to think about when I will eventually move in with my mom as she gets older… but she just turned 60 so that’s a while away (God willing). My stepdad is older, closer to 70, but he’s still incredibly active and does these big projects around the house all the time. However, they live maybe 5 minutes from me and that’s PERFECT. I wouldn’t want to live more than 30 minutes away because I just enjoy hanging out with my mom and seeing my fur-siblings, ha.
Your Thanksgiving looks great! I love the relaxed atmosphere. My stepdad did all the cooking for us, so all I had to bring was dessert!
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