Eek, guess what?! Last night I impulsively bought a ticket to see Garth Brooks at Summerfest (aka “The World’s Largest Music Festival) in Milwaukee on June 16! BY MYSELF! haha.
I am a huge 90s country fan and I love love love Garth Brooks’ music. I listened to it so much in high school.
Unfortunately, Ivan is not a country fan (this may shock you, but Garth Brooks music was not huge in Mexico City when he was growing up. 😅).
I couldn’t really think of anyone else who would want to go with me, minus one country-loving friend who was not available, or my sister, who I absolutely would have LOVED to do this with, but she lives very far away.
Ivan “could” have just come along, but he like, really does not like country, and the tickets aren’t cheap. I don’t need his negative country energy ruining my time. 😝
I decided, you know what, this is a bucket list thing for me. Garth is in his 60s now- who knows how long he’ll tour or if I’ll get the chance again. I don’t need someone with me; I just want to experience this and sing along and I can do that alone! 🙂
I will admit I had a little moment of pause, though, where I realized: I really don’t have very many friends. (*This is the part of the post where I try to not sound totally sad and pathetic…..).
I am not entirely sure why this is.
I feel, very strongly?!, that I am a very nice, kind person who is fun to be around and I am a good friend! So I don’t *think* it’s that people don’t like me. (Oh God, I hope that’s not it?!?!?! 😅)
Growing up, I had a very tight knit group of 6 friends, including 2 best friends from 4th grade on that I was with constantly for years and years. Somehow, though, we mostly drifted apart after high school; we’ve stayed in touch a bit, but it’s more like, birthday texts and Christmas cards. I did see them each once in the last few years, but I never sense a real interest or effort on their part in rekindling an ACTUAL friendship. I don’t think it’s ill-intentioned at all, I think they’re just busy with their own lives in other places.
I never really found “my people” in college. Maybe in part because of a regrettable long-term boyfriend at the time… 🙄 ugh. Definitely one of my life’s biggest regrets- this seriously detracted from my college experience. I didn’t get as involved in campus life and activities as I should have. I did make some friends, of course, but none that I truly clicked with for the long haul. Oh well, can’t change the past.
Once I met Ivan, we got married and then had kids all relatively quickly and life became a blur of working long nursing shifts and little kids.
The thing is, not having many friends has never been that big of a deal to me. I’m naturally introverted (though also super talkative, so I actually think I’m an extroverted introvert?). I genuinely like a lot of time alone.
I think I have a few anxious tendencies, too, around new people. I’m great with people, but I also kind of have a fear of “awkwardness”. So I might not be inclined to like, invite an acquaintance to do something, because what if it ends up being awkward??
When the kids were younger, trying to make and cultivate friendships felt like yet another thing to do. It does take time and effort to maintain friendships.
My ‘social cup’ always felt pretty maxed out by so much non-stop interaction with people at work (nurses AND patients), seeing my parents a lot, my kids!, and a lot of time spent with Ivan’s family. I never felt socially lacking, if that makes sense, so I didn’t seek out friendships on top of it. (Seriously, one time, years back, Asher said to me, “Mom, how does it feel to know your best friends are your parents??” 😏 lol. (hey, that’s not a bad thing… ok, maybe slightly pathetic, but could be worse. 😆)
I do KNOW a lot of people. I always say, I have a lot of close acquaintances! Soccer, swim, school, the gym, etc. I have no shortage of people in my phone that I could text or engage with on Facebook (lol.. I know…). I’m friendly, good at small talk, and I’m great at chatting up almost anyone I run into. I also have work friends, volleyball friends, etc.
But that is not the same as having someone who would drop everything and join me for a concert in another city. Or even friends that I regularly see for dinner, outings, etc. Or just the type of friends I can be completely myself around and tell anything!
I am a bit envious of people who have those very robust, deep friend circles, those close close friends, you know, like, Mary Anne hopping a red eye flight to get to Wanda without batting an eye. (Dixie Chicks? Any Goodbye Earl fans in the house? 😅)
HOWEVER, I have to say, blogging has been such a gift to me. I’ve been so blessed to meet some of my best and closest current friends through blogging. You know who you are. 💕 I’m so grateful for it. It’s been a reminder that my people are out there, I just wasn’t stumbling across them where I am physically.
Annnnnd, with that, I’m way over my 500 words 😂 (of course I am), so I’ll stop there.
Can’t wait for my solo concert outing next month!! 🙂 I may not actually have a lot of friends in low places, but I will sing along and pretend I do. 😁
Tell me about your experience with friendships! I’m so curious if anyone else is in my same boat.
Daily Gratitude:
I am grateful for snagging those concert tickets. 🙂
P.S. This felt like a vulnerable post to write!
GRATEFUL KAE 
My experience with friendships is that I could have written this post word for word.
I’m an introvert and an only child, so I’m very comfortable being with myself. However, I’ve had way too much of a good thing, and a few years ago I realized that I need people in my life who are not family and bloggers.
Blogging helped me to realize that the best way to make that happen is to do things that I am interested in and see who else comes along. That’s why I’ve joined IRL bookclubs, group hikes, and my local ChooseFI group (money nerd thing). It’s not quite as good as chatting with bloggers, but I’ve met a lot of great people and those relationships are starting to grow.
With all of that said, going to a concert solo sounds pretty fun! It is truly not an all or nothing.
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I very much relate to this & I have gone to a concert by myself and once bribed my son to go with me to a Summerfest concert and he was the youngest person there by many years! A revelation as an empty nester is that those bleacher friends are not necessarily “real” friends. I am usually the planner in my friend groups and I wish others would take more initiative to connect. Making new friends later in life is difficult! I do treasure my close college friends – so easy to reconnect regardless of how much time has passed.
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zero chance that people dislike you! i think it’s just really hard to cultivate adult friendships. I don’t have anyone SUPER hyperlocal to me that i am very close with, either (closest is in Miami Beach which is solid 45+min away). the online ones COUNTTTTTT! ❤ ❤ ❤
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That Garth Brooks song was so popular with my college friend group. You are making me want to look up his tour dates. Adult friendships are hard. I’ve found it difficult to get to the next level of friendships with people but feel lucky to have a group of friends from my book club after moving across the country a few years ago.
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That Garth Brooks song was so popular with my college friend group. You are making me want to look up his tour dates. Adult friendships are hard. I’ve found it difficult to get to the next level of friendships with people but feel lucky to have a group of friends from my book club after moving across the country a few years ago.
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If I lived closer I would totally go to that concert with you! Instead Phil and I will be traveling to Chicago that week for our depositions. Woo hoo. Sob.
I think making friends as an adult is really hard. I have a decent group of friends but I think a lot of that is because I got married later in life so spent many years really investing in friendships. Then we had kids and those friendships really took a back seat since we were so busy with work and kid stuff. I know Phil and I have both felt pretty lonely over the last several years and some of our friendships shifted as people whose kids are older have kind of moved on and formed stronger relationships with other people. But blogging has been a huge source of friendships for me! You gals know more about what is going on in my life than most other friend groups do. And the every other year girls trip I do is with a woman I get through blogging. I look forward to a time when I can make more time for friends. It’s really hard now, especially with work travel. But I do go to book club every month so it’s not like I get zero friend time. I just wish it was more often.
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What an important topic. I didn’t value friendship much when younger but now I do. I don’t have many close friends but have a handful who will pick up my call anytime of the day and few close work friends I can vent and share “secrets”. None of them live close by but we are always a text away. The older I am, the more I feel the benefits of having friends other than husband. My husband is great and so understanding but he would never get me in work setting as my work husband would. The challenge is always time, quality over quantity which works ok if one has only few friends that worth investment.
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It sounds like you have a very strong and healthy social life, honestly! But I understand if not having that one piece, a single or small group of very close/“best” friends, preferably geographically close too, bothers you or feels like something missing for you. I do think it’s fairly rare though? I definitely don’t have that either but I have to admit, it doesn’t bother me or occur to me as something I “should” have, at least not at this point in my life. I’m happy with my husband, parents, and siblings as my main confidantes/best friends, and I’m not embarrassed about that! Even when I was a kid/teen, I had good friends but was always a little on the outskirts of social groups/not comfortable sharing a lot of personal stuff and frankly not that popular, ha, so maybe that prepared me (or kind of was a sign of what was to come, given my personality… introverted but also shy/reserved.) I struggled to make friends in college despite earnest efforts, and that was definitely very painful at the time and it shook my confidence. In my 20s childhood friendships faded due to lifestyle differences (marriage/kids/homes and/or big jobs for friends, and I was single/no kids/not in a great career moment) and people moving around. In my 30s I made a concerted effort to meet /make new friends by joining various groups and getting involved in community/work stuff, but I came away with basically acquaintances only. And now in my 40s I’m good where I am but I know that certainly could change and will cross that bridge when I come to it. But I don’t think I would have high expectations if I “got back out there,” tbh, I would just enjoy whatever connections came to be. So much of this type of thing is luck and timing and location! Several people I know who *do* have a lot of friends have said this to me specifically when I’ve asked how they do it (hopefully they weren’t just being nice/humoring me, haha.) And deep friendships (heck, even “light” ones) like any relationship, can be complex and difficult and even disappointing as well.. it’s not just the highlight reel. Anyway, sounds like you are really doing great and have a very full and rich “friendship life,” but wish you well in seeking more if you need to!
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Sorry-long interruption. After reading your blog since your early days, you strike me as someone who would be a wonderful friend. I think we all see movies/series with female friend groups are toasting each other/doing shots or laughing together and feel…left out if we don’t have a similar setup. I am lucky to have long-time close friends-but they are scattered up and down the East coast or in areas which are within an hour or so radius. I’m also in a long time book club which has shared many of life’s ups and downs, which has created a sense of closeness among us. What’s missing: the spontaneous casual group hangout situation. As this article points out, more people lack this than you might think: https://archive.is/20260108045612/https://www.theatlantic.com/family/2026/01/friend-group-loneliness/685528. When I struggled with loneliness, I decide to reach out to a few people that I wanted to get to know better and asked if they might want to meet up for coffee or lunch. That helped me form some closer connections. My book club friends (me included) will sometimes throw out the idea of going out to a movie or some other local thing. Maybe ask your volleyball group if they want to meet up and go to an outdoor local concert or some other outdoor thing this summer? I also keep a running list of “checkins.” I break it down by weekly/monthly quarterly and try to reach out (or make a note of when they did). This might be a way to rekindle connections with old friends. You might be pleasantly surprised to see how thrilled some of your old friends might be to hear from you.
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I do think this was a vulnerable post to write, which is why it’s important you did it, because so many people in middle age feel this way, I think! A few things I thought about while I was reading. First of all, I think the fact that you and Ivan are both so close with family maybe kind of naturally diminishes the space/time you have in life for close friendships, and that’s ok. Seriously, your family is #goals for so many people–I think of myself as having a really good relationship with both my parents but when I see them traveling with you and all the other things you do together I’m like damn I sort of wish I had that! And similarly Ivan obviously has a big close family which is just as amazing considering they live across two countries. I sometimes think about this because I have a wonderfully close relationship with my sister (she lives next door to me!) and so maybe it diminishes my need for a BEST in-town friend. Second, I have felt connected to friends throughout my life but I have never particularly had that big “group” of girl friends which I have sometimes coveted when I see other people who have it, even though that seems kind of silly–there’s nothing inherently better about having solid one-on-one friends as opposed to a group! Third, I feel like I do have some close, dear friendships in my life right now but many (most?) of them don’t live near me and that is hard. I really treasure some longstanding friendships where I only get to see the person every year or two, or sometimes less, and one of the things I love about many of these friendships is we can just pick right up where we left off. But these aren’t people I could go to a concert with because they don’t live near me! And sometimes I get sad the people who maybe understand me the most (outside my husband and sister) are not nearby! I really treasure my college best friend whom I go on spring break trips with (due to the fact that my university spring break and my kids’ never measure up, which is annoying, but is great for this friendship!). When it’s over I feel so close to her and then it makes me a little sad she lives an 8 hour drive away. So basically, I guess my conclusion is that friendships, like most relationships in life, are complicated and not easy sometimes, no matter what configuration/number you have.
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I moved countries a lot. Before I came to Sweden with my husband, I had a very close-knit group of friends who were like a second family. But once I came here that totally changed. I am working a lot and it might be true what is said about Sweden that it is not easy to make friends here. Partly because Swedes are not so “open”. Partly because everyone is sooo busy all the time. So I can relate to you.
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I tried to comment before but not sure if it went through? (Blog comments are NOT my strength! :)) This is such a thoughtful post! Our family has moved a lot which has meant a lot of friendship transitions for us. I’ve managed to keep in some form of touch with some friends but not others. Adult friendships are tricky! I have noticed that some communities/groups/settings are just more open to developing friendships. Most of those are places where there are often newcomers, otherwise it seems like everyone already “has their people”. I have LOTS of thoughts about this but the most important one is that I”m glad you are semi-local to me so we can discuss this more in person!
Also–I really appreciate anyone who “goes first” in a friendship. Inviting another person out for coffee, suggesting a meet up, sending a personalized text, etc. That’s really important and meaningful!
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enjoyed this post very much. i am an immigrant to the US and came here 20+ years ago. I have three very close friends, my sister friends, one close Russia friend, and that’s pretty much it. Like you, I am easily peopled-out at the end of the week because… teaching. I see one or all of my sister friends maybe once a month. It is hard to get everyone together all the time. Also we all are so different… one is a widow with high school age kids, another will be 60 next year and is a grandma, another is in her 50s and is divorced. She is moving back to her home country (Europe) this summer. i would have gone to the concert by myself. I see no problem with going to events alone. In fact, part of me prefers to go alone.
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SAME. Same same same same same same same!!! I was just thinking about this recently, and wondering if there’s something wrong with me. I don’t keep in touch with any friends from childhood, high school, or college. My longest friendship is a woman I met when I was 20, and we do still see each other on a regular basis- but that’s in large part because she’s my daughter’s flute teacher. I don’t feel lonely though- like you, I feel like I get maxed out on “people time” at work, plus if you have kids and a husband, you’re always around people at home. My sister is my best friend, and if I didn’t have her I think I would feel a lack in the friend department. As it is, I feel like I’m okay, except when I hear other people talking about all their friends!
Based on your blog, I seriously doubt you’re an unlikeable person : )
One last thing- I’m glad you’re comfortable going to the concert by yourself. I would totally do that- except in this case, I’m with Ivan- I don’t like country music either, lol.
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Hi- long time reader but I think I’m a first time commenter. I appreciate the honesty in this post and I can relate. My kids are a little younger than yours but similar ages and life is busy! I also got together with my husband fairly young. I’m lucky enough to have held onto a few good friends from high school and university but I see them rarely and nobody local. I am friendly with work friends but we don’t hang out outside of work, I’m also fairly introverted and feel like I haven’t really made a new friend in about 15 years. Usually I’m content and okay with this though. My mom tells me there is a resurgence of socialization in the 50s and 60s as people have more time as their kids get launched so I am telling myself there will be other seasons and times to invest more in friendships!
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Friendship in adulthood is tough and a bit awkward!!
I’m an introvert and so I really cherish time alone. I have one best friend (who blessedly lives in my town; I know you didn’t get to spend a long time with Joy but I wish I could clone her and share her with the world because she’s such a gem). I feel so incredibly grateful to have met her and hope you find your “Joy”!!
Blogging has introduced SO many new friendships to my life and they mean so much to me. It’s incredible how quickly the conversation can turn to deep and meaningful topics. Case in point: I never felt for a second that meeting you was like meeting someone I’d never met in person. We already knew each other so well. How incredible is that???
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I can relate so much to this. I had and have amazing friends from growing up but they do not live by me. I love spending time with my husband and kids and also spend a lot of time with my siblings and parents. But I see so many people with friend groups and enjoying all these activities and I just don’t have that. My kids are youngish, but don’t need me or want me around as much. I worry about how it might be when they leave the house and know I’ll certainly need more relationships in my life. But I guess I also don’t know if I want to exert the effort right now. It feels a little sad to me that I know so many people yet don’t consider anyone really a close friend in my geographic location.
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This is a very relatable post and helpful. I agree with so many of the comments that this is more normal than not. We all read books about close friends or see movies or the like and its not been my experience. I wish I had some advice on how to make deeper friends because I could use that advice also. Please know you’re not alone and it doesn’t mean you are a person people don’t like. I really enjoy your blog and find you to be an incredibly thoughtful and warm person. I truly hope that this is just a season and that things will change for you (and me).
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This is such an interesting discussion! I am a big extrovert, married to an extrovert, so we are very social people. We are both only children so I’ve always thought that is maybe why we’re so extroverted 🙂 but who knows! I will also add that my parents are also super social so this was modeled for me from an early age- they would regularly host dinner parties or go out with their friends, and still in their mid-70s they’re meeting friends for dinner, traveling with friends, etc. It is really sweet.
I do put a ton of effort into my friendships and most of the time, I’m the planner/organizer, which does take a lot of time! As my kids get older I’ve noticed I have a lot more time for social activities and I do think I prioritize it more than others. Or just that everyone has a different capacity for how much social interaction they need. I have my own insecurities about this- wondering if people actually do want to hang out with me or do they just say “yes” when I plan things.
Have you ever listened to the Dear Nina podcast about firendship? It’s great! and you are not alone- making/maintaining friends feels hard because it is hard! 🙂
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First of all let me say: this is really awesome that you a) love country music and b) will take yourself on a solo trip to check off this bucket list item. I salute you. (Also, Jon introduced me to country in the early 2000s and I love it!)The part about friendships really struck a cord with me. I am also very “lonely” locally. I don’t have any close friends (within a 30-mile radius) to just have dinner dates or outdoor adventures and it really sucks. I am an introvert and are perfectly happy alone most of the time, so I am not lonely per se, and I do have a few close friends that I can text day and night but they’re all very far away and it sucks. I get it. The blogging community also has been such a blessing for me.
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I wish I was a Garth Brooks/country music fan because I have a feeling you’d be someone very fun to go to a concert with!
I really appreciate this post, and all of the comments, because it’s just a reminder that adult friendship is HARD. I had a good group of friends in high school, but we drifted apart during college. College was a hard time for me, and making friends wasn’t a priority. It was until my mid-twenties that I joined an IRL book club that really changed my life! That’s where I met my core social group.
I think some people are just naturally gifted at making and sustaining friendships. I am not one of those people, so I am grateful that my two best friends are people who just decided “we’re going to be best friends!” and really invested in our relationship.
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