Sigh, it’s been a bit of a deep week over here.
Without getting too crazy in the “sharing of personal details” department, there’s just been a lot of sad or challenging medical stuff going on in my extended circle right now.
First of all, my aunt and godmother passed away yesterday, at the age of only 66. I won’t share too much here, but I think it’s okay if I share that she had early onset dementia.
Unfortunately, this disease has basically RAVAGED my mom’s side of the family. It seems to be affecting many, if not almost most?, people as they get older on her side.
Frankly, it’s terrifying.
In many cases, like my grandma’s, it comes on later, not early like in my aunt’s case, in her late 50s/early 60s. But still- Alzheimer’s dementia is just an AWFUL, unforgiving disease.
My mom is 74 and thankfully has no signs so far, but you just never know. And I’m obviously of direct lineage of everyone before me who has had it, so….. trust me, it’s one of those things I think about when I wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel very sad about my aunt. I mean, this was not entirely unexpected, given her decline in the last couple years. But she was so young! She was an integral part of my formative childhood memories. My heart breaks for her kids (my cousins- both with young families), and my devoted uncle, who cared for her to the end. I cannot imagine what they’re feeling right now.
I also can’t stop thinking about the fact that my mom is now “alone” in the world. Obviously, she’s not- she has all of us- but from her immediate/nuclear family, both of her parents are long gone, and now her only brother and sister have both passed away, too. Something about that just makes me feel extra sad.
Additionally, Ivan’s dad has been hospitalized in Mexico for the past week and a half, with some issues that have the potential to be long-lasting and/or life-changing. He’s stable and doing okay, and things are looking generally positive at the moment, but Ivan has been highly worried and stressed, especially being so far away.
We both have several other extended family members with some significant health issues going on right now, too, that we’ve recently learned of.
It all just brings into SUDDEN focus the fact that, oh yeah, LIFE IS VERY FINITE. Our parents are getting older. Health is not guaranteed. Everything as we know it can change in an instant.
It really sucks.
Ivan and I have been talking a lot about all of this this week, and it’s hard to not get sort of “down” on what this whole “life” thing is all about, you know? Like, what’s the point of it all?! So much hardness, so much suffering…. and it’s so…. short.
When we were out to eat the other night, I looked around at all the people talking and laughing and eating, and I had the enlightening thought pop into my head, “Wow, 125 years from now, every single person in this room will be dead.” 😳
I’m sorry- I know this is not an uplifting post. But I guess it just makes you think a little, you know? Like, what exactly is the point?? It makes the trivial things seem so much more trivial. We’d better make sure that we’re living the way we want to be, and soaking up all the joy that we can, and we’d best not be “sweating the small stuff”, because this grand old ride is not that long.
Things change so fast. This morning I was looking at photos from our wedding 17 years ago, where my then-healthy and vibrant aunt with her long blond hair attended (and she was also our photographer!). As I flipped through the pictures, I realized… quite a few of the people who were there are now dead. My grandma, my aunt, my uncle, among others. I also saw a lot of relationships that didn’t last…. my brother-in-law dancing with his now ex-wife. My cousin’s long term girlfriend, who has since been replaced with his now wife! Some friends we’ve basically lost touch with. Little kids, like Ivan’s tiny cousins, who now are all grown up and have kids of their own!
It’s just… weird, how many things have changed in 17 years.
I know we can’t freeze time. And I know we should have a lot of good times left ahead, hopefully. But it’s hard to not dwell on the fact that we’re also staring down some upcoming really shitty times, too. Like I said, neither of our parents are getting any younger- most of them are in their early 70s, besides Ivan’s mom who’s a little younger in her 60s. Statistically speaking, in the next ~20 years or so, if we’re lucky, we’re going to be dealing with some hard stuff across the board.
And I know, none of us, no matter how “young”, are guaranteed tomorrow! That’s a fact.
And I also don’t want to dwell on “future sadness” and miss out on great times that are still happening right now. We’re so lucky, in so many ways.
But it’s still hard to not let those thoughts creep in, you know? Looking back on my amazing childhood…. the sweet years while the boys were little…. with all of our extended family alive and healthy…. little by little, it all comes to an end. And that feels very sad.
I do apologize for this downer of a post.
If anything, recognizing the finitude of our lives should be a MOTIVATION, to not let life slip past us! And that’s what I really do try to do, when I’m not accidentally consumed worrying about insignificant nonsense. I try to remember that life IS short, and that we are privileged to have the beautiful moments we’ve already lived and continue to live, with our families, while it lasts. I try to just surrender to the reality that none of us really knows what this is all about. (Depending on your spiritual beliefs, but even for the most devout, I think change and death and suffering is still a pretty intimidating mystery, even if you have a great deal of faith.)
Whenever Ivan and I have these talks, inevitably, at some point, I sigh and say, “Well, it’s like my dad always says: We’re only passing through.”
I’m not sure Ivan ever finds comfort in this 😆, but, I think I do. It’s not supposed to last forever. It’s still hard, but something about that realization helps to release the pressure, or expectation, I guess, for me. Nothing will stay the same. I don’t like it, but it’s just the way it goes.
Anyway, again, sorry for the semi-depressing, emotional post. Although maybe it’s not, really, it’s just more of a realistic post. One perk of being human is that I guess we’re all in this together! None of us gets out alive. 😉
So, let’s all let go of a stupid, meaningless worry today, and at the risk of sounding extremely cheesy, go tell someone you love that you love them! 💗
Daily Gratitude:
I am grateful for happy memories, even if sometimes they also make me sad.
GRATEFUL KAE 
Oh no! I am so sorry to hear of your aunt’s passing. 66 is so so young. It is tough when you are the only person left in your family so my heart goes out to your mom. That’s been my MIL’s situation since before I met her. She lost her only sister to suicide in the early 80s (from undiagnosed PTSD from being a nurse in Vietnam) and then her parents in the aughts, I think, and her husband to Alzheimer’s 11 years ago, and her other son in 2020 (plus they lost their first son Paul to a head injury when he was just shy of 2 – our Paul is named after him and my dad.) That’s why we always spend Christmas with her. I couldn’t bear to leave her alone for that major holiday when we are all she has for family. Most of my grandparents have lived very full lives and have lived to their upper 80s – my grandma to almost 101. My grandma so badly wanted to pass so I have seen the other side of the spectrum and can see there is such a thing as living too long (she lost my grandpa 15 years before she passed and then lost nearly all of her friends plus a daughter). It is all very heavy to consider but it’s a reminder to seize the day and not leave anything left unsaid because we never know how much time we have left.
I hope and pray that the Alzheimer’s drugs will continue to advance. I think that is one of the most cruel diseases because you lose the person twice – first you lose the essence of who they are, then you lose their physical presence. 😦
I hope Ivan’s dad can be discharged soon. Thinking of you all!!
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Thanks Lisa. I appreciate those kind words! That’s also so, so sad about your MIL. I know you’ve mentioned her situation some before, but I don’t think I realized the extent of it. At least she has you guys!! Ivan’s great-grandma was the same as yours- for several years, every time we’d go to Mexico, she’d tell us how she was “ready to go”, but every time we’d go visit again, there she still was… ha. It almost became a running joke! She did finally pass away last year.
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That is sad to lose your aunt so young. And a struggle to be worrying about so many loved ones from afar.
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Yes, her young age, and the fact that mentally she declined pretty significantly over the last few years made it so sad- she had young grandkids that she barely got to know, as a result, even while still alive. Just very sad situation. 😦
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Oh Kae, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I feel this all so much. My parents both lost their fathers when they were young, so every single year I have with them feels precious and I am so, so grateful my kids have memories with all their grandparents since I never ever had a grandfather in my life.
But still…I know hard times are coming, and likely soon. It’s a bizarre feeling; knowing nothing can prepare me for it, and wanting to stay in the present, while also acknowledging that life is so, so fragile and can change in an instant. I mean…I could definitely die before either of my parents which just seems crazy.
Dementia runs in my family too. My mom is 75 and I watch her mental aptitude like a hawk. There are tiny blips but I think they’re just age-related at this point. That is a HUGE sigh of relief for me because my grandmother (and most of her siblings) had very bad dementia 😦
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Yes, I know several people who lost their parents very young and I am so extremely grateful that I’ve had my parents all these years, and that they’ve been around for the boys. I’m so close to my parents and I literally cannot imagine it any other way.
I’m not sure I knew dementia ran in your family too! I feel like if it’s not one thing it’s another, but dementia is just so terrible.
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I’m so sorry for the loss of you aunt. It must be terrifying to see an entire side of your family suffer from such a terrible disease. That would certainly keep me up at night.
I really struggle with thinking about death. I think it’s really important to acknowledge our mortality regularly, but if I let myself think about it too much I start to either panic or shut down. I am still working on ways to consider my own death, or the death of my loved ones in a meaningful way. Mostly I just spiral and then shut it down so I can keep living my life.
I’m sorry I don’t have much of substance to say, just wanted to send my thoughts and validate your feelings. Not that you need my validation but sometimes that is a benefit of writing a blog, to know you’re not alone in feeling big, hard feelings. {{{HUGS}}}
(Sorry, I’m on a bus and can barely read my phone and it’s possible this is a horrible comment.)
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Thank you so much for all this. Yeah, I think the big thing here is just that it has really stirred up lots of “thoughts” and realizations, etc that are very unsettling. Besides of course the actual loss of my aunt, which is sad in and of itself. I know what you mean about sort of shutting down about it. I know what you mean. It’s a hard thing to dwell on… and on the one hand, it’s good to think about it, to make sure we’re seizing life enough, but on the other hand, it’s very very disturbing!! And of course thinking about our own death vs those we love is a whole other thing…. argh.
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I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. 66 is young for sure. My current life situation is bascially partially due to everything that you are talking about. Both my grandfathers died at 60 and I had an uncle and a close workmate who both died of colon cancer at 57 years old. Life is short, and I am not going to spend it working behind a desk for some huge company. I am going to go and enjoy myself and my loved ones, because you just don’t know how many days you have left. Keep your chin up and hug your Mama!
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You certainly are “seizing the day!!” No one can ever say otherwise! ha. I think it’s a hard thing for most average people, trying to balance “accomplishment” or “goals” and even just “making ends meet” with the desire to just live and enjoy life. I agree that I don’t want to spend my whole life “working for the man”, lol, but at the same time, I need money to do the things I enjoy (and, eat…), so…. it’s tricky!
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Kay, please accept my deepest sympathy. No loss is easy and dementia is brutal. Not just for the patient but for the loved ones they leave behind as well. I appreciate this deeply personal post. Life is short and we’d better make the best of it. I hope that in time the good memories will cushion your pain. My best, Alice.
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Thanks, Alice. What a sweet comment. I hadn’t seen my aunt much lately since her decline, but my cousin (her daughter) said that the worst part is that they’ve had to lose her twice- once when her normal mental status “died”, and now again when they lost her for real. So sad.
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It is, I know from my own family. Thinking of you all.
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Kae, this really speaks to me. Just two days ago my oldest friend lost her FIL and it was a fast-moving stomach cancer. He had been caring for her MIL, who is really ill with dementia, for years. His death not only is something to mourn, but leaves a big gap and a lot of questions to deal with. As my own parents and MIL age, I have been feeling that life is moving fast and we only have limited time. Part of the reason I went to my family reunion this year was because so many of my aunts and uncles are dead now, and I wanted to reconnect with the ones who are still here. The pandemic really made me reconsider relationships, and the precious nature of time. I’m so sorry you are going through this – we are all mortal and yes, it could happen at any time to anyone, but there is something really poignant about knowing that there is less time left than what’s been lived, you know? Big hugs to you. xoxoxo
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Gosh, that’s just terrible and so sad about your friend’s in-laws. That’s just a nightmare all around, with that added layer with his wife being unwell also. So, so hard. And yes, I truly hate how it feels like time is speeding up. I hadn’t really thought about that aspect of having less time left than you’ve lived, but obviously, that’s very true as well. It’s one of those things we all know is coming, but yet for so long I’ve been able to comfort myself by thinking, “well, my parents are “young”. Suddenly that’s kind of getting to be less and less true, and it makes me sick feeling….
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you don’t need to apologize for this post – sure it’s not light & funny. Sometimes life is pretty heavy. Your aunt was way too young, and such a sad ending. Dementia is so tough. I lost two aunts to it several years ago. No doubt it’s scary for you. True reminder to embrace life and our loved ones.
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Thanks Pat. You’re right, sometimes life is just heavy, unfortunately. And yes, dementia is the worst! And not knowing if it’s in the cards or not, given the genetic history, is very unsettling.
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Kae, I’m so sorry about your aunt. That is an extremely sad situation, she was so young! And… it does open up a whole scary subject. Since death is an inevitable part of life, I don’t understand why it can’t be easier for us. When I lost my mom it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was shocking how hard it was, considering that I knew it was coming and it happens to all of us.
I don’t know- some days I’m full of appreciation for life, knowing that it’s finite. If it were infinite there would be no reason to treasure every day. But then sometimes I wake up in a terror that something will happen to one of my kids, or something will happen to me and they’ll lose their mother. So I definitely don’t have it all figured out.
The only comfort I would attempt to give you is- you’re feeling this especially strongly right now because you just lost your aunt. As time passes, you’ll be able to have more equilibrium. I know, there are still hard times ahead, but I’m just saying you won’t be feeling exactly like this for the rest of your life. Hugs ❤
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I don’t think anyone has that all figured out! It’s a very, very tough subject. I sometimes think it’s strange, in a way, how we all carry on, just living our lives, and worrying about so many things that ultimately don’t matter, even though at the end of the day, we’re all going to die! ha. I mean, I’m also not saying we should just throw everything to the wind and that nothing should matter, either. But just that’s a strange concept, that’s all, when you stop to think about it! I guess it’s for the best that humans have evolved or adapted or whatever you want to call it to be able to mostly put that out of our minds, for the most part, because otherwise I suppose it would be a quite miserable existence. Lol.
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Personal experience with dementia really does change how you think about the future. My husband’s dad has Frontal Temporal Dementia and got diagnosed quite young (he’s currently 66, and got diagnosed at 62ish but probably had it for several years prior to that). He can no longer speak at all and recently got moved to memory care which was a relief but also really tough on the family. If anything, this really has made me think more about NOT putting things off until some mythical retirement that might never come. My in-laws were/are(??) so in love and had so many hopes and dreams for what their retirement would look like that they never got to experience because immediately my MIL had to be a caretaker. They got a few travel experiences in before he was unable to communicate anymore but this particular form of dementia is so terrible – the person truly is just gone. There are no even glimmers of who they used to be, but they can still hang on physically for quite awhile (which also is….. very financially debilitating).
ANYWAY…. just here to commiserate. It is really hard but makes me lean more into trying to appreciate the now than anything else.
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Ugh, I’m so sorry about your FIL. That’s just so awful. That’s always SUCH a sad situation, and something I tend to see often in my line of work. I’ll see patients that “finally retire” and have hopes of traveling or doing xyz, and then one of them gets sick and either dies or is severely limited by medical conditions, and it’s just so heartbreaking when that happens. I feel like I see it too often! You’re right, that it is a good motivator to make sure we aren’t putting everything off for “later”.
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I’d argue that this is an uplifting post==>we need to make the most of every day. This is my primary motivation to stop working sooner rather than later.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Yes, that’s why I decided to go ahead and share… it’s a sad topic, but also, motivating to reflect!
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You have my heartfelt sympathies over the loss of your aunt, and what feels like so young too. Of course it’s worrying, how can it not be, knowing so many of your family have had to go through this horrid disease that robs us of life and vitality.
I cannot begin to imagine what your family are going through right now, any loss is always heartbreaking. That you have those memories is one small gift. I know I treasure my memories of my mum, she went within 48 hours of a massive stroke. All I can say is, take time to grieve.
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I’m so sorry about your aunt and everything else you’re dealing with. 66 is way too young.
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Thanks Amanda! There’s been a lot of “food for thought” around here lately that I could do without, but hopefully my FIL will recover well at least, fingers crossed. Things are looking generally up.
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Oh Kae, I’m so sorry for your loss. 66 is so young and early onset dementia is such an awful condition. As well as other family members with health issues too. Such a hard week, natural to be thinking about death and how fleeting life is.
My area of clinical and research expertise is dementia so if you ever want to connect outside of the blog to discuss how these various kinds of dementia have different risks, symptoms etc, I’d be happy to. Otherwise just thinking of you right now x
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Thanks Sophie! Oh yes, that would be awesome. I keep meaning to “read up” more on dementia, the risks, prevention factors, etc… I mean, I know it’s not exactly necessarily preventable, but I am not well versed in ANY research on the topic, and given my family history, I really should be. I’ll have to email you for sure. I am sure you are an absolute wealth of knowledge!! Also, if you know of any good books on the topic, too, I’d be interested to know of any titles!
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just sending ❤️ and I am glad you shared it. All such hard things and I think the way your approach life is very much a way that reflects an understanding of our limited time here.
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Thanks Sarah! I try… but still always feel like I have a lot of room for improvement!
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Kae, you’re not alone. I have all these thoughts frequently (!) and it’s absolutely normal to think about these things when someone dies or goes through a rough time… and it seems like you have a lot of that happening in your family right now.
It really is a true reminder that we need to live our lives with joy and purpose, not dwell on the little things, and remember that the only constant in life is change. It’s not easy to accept, but we’re all experiencing the same thing.
I sometimes think back when I was a kid and my grandma died (when I was six years old), the first death I “knowingly” experienced. I didn’t comprehend it as a kid, but much later, I realized that my dad was so young when he lost his mom and that I didn’t take this into consideration at the time and we never talked about how he felt during this time, but it reminded me that we all will go through these phases and yes, that the older the get, the more ‘hard things’ will happen that we have to deal with…. but we can never forget the precious time and memories that we shared at a point in time.
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Yes San, such good points too about how we process death so differently when we’re older! I also lost grandparents as a child and I don’t think I really “got” what my parents were dealing with, at that age. My dad especially- he lost his mom when I was only 3, so my dad would have been only I think 36 years old at the time. She died from bone cancer only in I think her early 60s. I guess on the plus side, I can see that he has continued to live and thrive in life and although I am sure he still misses her, it’s not like he sits around after all these years dwelling on it, either. This encourages me, because I sometimes fear that if/when I lose a parent, I will just be wrecked for life and will like, not be able to function!!! I literally cannot wrap my head around it and it stresses me out so much. But seeing how my parents obviously carried on with life and have had so many happy times after their losses… it’s at least encouraging.
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Kae, I am sorry. I lost my dear aunt and the matriarch of our family (the oldest of four sisters and my mom is the youngest) earlier this year to Parkinson’s/Lewy body dementia and it hurts very much. I have been looking through old photos that some family members digitized and added to a shared album and it brings back so many memories of my childhood where my aunt played such a pivotal role. My mom and her siblings loved travel and each other and even though they lived thousands of miles apart they always prioritized big summer get-togethers with all of us and I will cherish those memories, always, and I tell my kids about them.
I echo all the other thoughtful commenters here but just want to add how special it is that you guys always travel with your parents and how those memories will live on so far in the future. Your boys will be telling their kids and grandkids about those trips someday!
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I’m really sorry to hear about your aunt. That is so young, and my heart goes out to her husband and children. What an immense loss for your family. ❤
My anxiety revolves around death and losing people, so I feel this very deeply. I try to remember that we’re not meant to have forever with our people, even though we want that, and it’s important to soak in the memories we have with our loved ones today. Life can be brutal, for sure, but it can also be amazing.
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I’m so sorry for the loss of your aunt, and for the worry of having this horrible disease in your family. 66 is far too young to die. My mom died at 66, of heart disease. My dad died at (almost) 74, of a heart attack. Both far too young, and both remind me of how we need to live a life of purpose, whatever purpose that is. My great aunt lived to 100, my grandma to 93, my other grandma to 98. I’m not sure I want to live that long, those last few years aren’t easy. But these are thoughts that I’ve had more recently, as I’m creeping up on 60.
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Aww, thank you so much. That’s so sad about your mom. I guess the only positive is that she didn’t suffer long then, but I can only imagine how traumatic that was. So very sad.
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Sending condolences and warm thoughts. 🤍
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