I peeked back in my “Blog Ideas” folder in Google Keep and saw I had once jotted down that I wanted to talk about Vertical Ownership regarding household responsibilities (aka “who does what”). I’ll keep this specific to between me and Ivan, not counting stuff the boys help out with.
IVAN:
–cell phone related stuff– plans, upgrades to new phones, screen protectors, etc.
-most everything “electronic”– new TVs, internet subscriptions/tech issues, buying new chargers, lightbulbs, batteries, etc.
–car related stuff– insurance (we just switched so he got the quotes, he also added Ethan to policy, etc.) Also, car buying/shopping/research, plus tire shopping/replacement, is his domain. We each handle our own oil changes though.)
–credit cards and bank accounts– CC rewards, promotions, day to day monitoring of charges/ balances
–buying flights
–99% of the boys’ clothes, shoes, sports uniforms, equipment buying
–laundry– he does all clothes, I sometimes do sheets/ towels.
–home maintenance tasks: water softener (salt), water filter (fridge), furnace air filter, fixing the ceiling fan, etc.
–most outdoor maintenance- oversees grass cutting (now often delegates to boys…), trims edges/bushes, snow removal, deals with any snowblower/lawn mower maintenance, gets gas for the mower, most of the fall yard clean up, cleaning out gutters, etc.
-boys’ financial stuff (opening and monitoring their bank accounts, CCs, money transfers)
-he always cleans our master bathroom
–errands- he is always WAY more game than I am to go “running errands”. Anything that involves physically going to a store or driving around (returns, picking things up, etc.) he is always much happier than I am to do.
ME:
–school, activity, and kid related stuff: emails, activity research and sign ups, newsletter reading, “knowing stuff”, managing schedule changes, team app messages, donations, deadlines, etc. This is a BIG one!
-almost all grocery shopping and I’m by far the primary cook (*though in fairness he always offers to get groceries and is a perfectly competent cook.)
-family calendar management (aka keeping our $#!% straight)
–medical stuff: any doctor/dentist appts, prescriptions, scheduling, etc. (Ivan handles taking kids to most of the routine orthodontist appts, I handle the consults or bigger ones usually.)
-hot tub maintenance
–most big Charlie (dog) stuff (food, vet, daily care, grooming appts, etc. Ivan walks him sometimes, feeds or lets out as needed but it’s WAY more my job.)
–travel planning: itineraries, lodging, accommodations, activities, everything. (He often just helps flight shop)
–all home organization stuff (decluttering, organizing closets, drawers, etc.)
–large majority of the “day to day” minutiae (straightening, dishwasher, putting stuff away, etc.)
-laundry: never clothes, but I wash our cleaning rags weekly, plus sometimes towels and sheets.
–all “homey” stuff: holiday decorating, planting flowers in the yard, “aesthetic” things like buying new toss pillows or new entry rug, etc.
BOTH:
-cleaning (*I think I do a bit more of this, but it’s also not fair to say he doesn’t, because he definitely does, too. We often rotate turns with our bi-weekly cleaning of the main areas (kitchen, living room, sunroom).
–gifts: both, it depends. Me- general things like kid bday party or teacher gifts, my parents/family. I handle things like stocking stuffers, Easter baskets, little Valentine’s gifts, etc. for the boys. He is very helpful with researching and buying bigger gifts for the boys for birthdays/Christmas (we tag team though here), and he takes full ownership of gift buying for his side of the family.
–cars– we each take our own cars to oil changes or car wash. (He spearheads any repair needs/ research, and then I just usually take it in when and where he says. lol.)
–household shopping (e.g Tylenol, paper towel, cleaning sprays, etc… whoever is available. He’ll do a big Target run if he needs stuff anyway for himself that I never buy, like his aftershave, deodorant, etc.; I often pick up other household stuff during grocery shopping)
–fridge clean out, dishes, garbage– pretty even split, just depends
-driving kids. We both do this, though since I WFH, more of the kids’ driving has historically fallen to me since I’m home and he’s not. I’d say I’m usually the “default parent”, but, it varies and it’s pretty even. He will do a lot of the later pickups (e.g. 8:45 p.m. swim or late bus arrival from a VB game, etc.). Weekends it just depends. Anything super early morning is probably me, lol.
–certain home maintenance stuff. It can just depend. I repainted our bathroom ceiling last year and sanded and repainted our front door trim this fall. He’ll do more of this type of stuff on an, ahem, “reminder only” basis. As in, I have to do the noticing and thinking and “making it happen”, and then he’ll participate when forced. Ha. We also split dealing with things we outsource; I deal with the annual lawncare contract and usually call the electrician when we’ve needed things done, he found the tree removal company to get our Ash tree down and dealt with getting a recent roof quote, etc.
Okay, I’m well over my 500-word goal, but oh well. (I had written a bunch of this previously in a draft and I’m too lazy to edit….)
A couple final notes:
– I always feel like overall, I’m definitely more of the “household manager”. I can’t help but feel like “I do more” and my domains just feel “bigger”; I also do think I carry a lot more mental load from all the noticing, knowing, thinking about everything than he does, related to our family and home life. He definitely enjoys a certain degree of privilege knowing that someone else is “handling it” on the day to day.
-But, writing this out actually helped me to realize that he actually does a lot, too. (Including a lot of specific things that I just don’t want to do. Like laundry. Or buy shoes for the boys. Or clean out gutters. 😜)
-This split was just sort of a natural evolution- we never sat down and directly hashed out this plan or anything. Kind of funny that I think it worked into a decently fair split, overall! (Especially considering that I have historically had the much more flexible job/no commute currently, and he is gone from at least ~7:45- 6 pm every day.)
-I am grateful to have a partner who is genuinely happy (or, at least willing?) to pull his weight and is very open to taking on more tasks if I ask*. His dad definitely set a great example here. Even though his mom doesn’t work, his dad is always cleaning stuff, doing dishes, laundry, etc. as an equal. Ivan says this was always the way when he was a kid, too. (*With the exception of certain time intensive home project type stuff… ha. Ivan would much rather scrub kitchen floors and toilets and run errands for me than do some big home improvement “project”. Just not his thing…).
Ok, I may be missing some stuff, but I think I covered most things!
Happy Saturday! 🙂
Daily Gratitude:
See final bullet point above. 😉
GRATEFUL KAE 
That does seem like a pretty even split! However, he seems very laid back, at least from your posts, so he probably doesn’t stress about things as much as you do, which can make it feel like you are doing more or investing more mind power into things. I am definitely usually more of a perfectionist than most of my partners have been, so I end up doing more because I have a higher quality standard than they do! This often did lead to my being resentful of them when they left wet towels on the floor or beer bottles in the living room though! (PS I am also way more tidy than most of my partners have been). I am glad that writing it out made you see how much you each do!!
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Yes, you’re right! There are also many things that I sort of self-impose upon myself because I care about them and he just doesn’t. For example, if I dropped over dead today, he would not concern himself with changing the fall front door wreath to a Christmas one. He would also not put up Halloween decorations, or be bothered to decorate Christmas cookies…. 😆 There’s also certain kid related stuff that he would probably just sort of opt out of, like say certain extra social events or opportunities… (not saying it’s right or wrong, but he just sees some things as way more “optional” than I tend to)
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Hahah! I laughed out loud to your comment about the Christmas wreaths!
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I love this, and am stalling on writing so I opened up a notes file and went thought your list. My husband does loads – and got really good at everything when I had a 30% travel schedule – but I still grumble b/c I’m the keeper of all knowledge.
We joke that I’m the brains (planning, organisation), while he’s the brawn (with car keys). I can do a decent grocery shop on my bike, but don’t drive so he’s the person who does that. And phone calls, b/c I’m a millenial stereotype. We don’t have a ton of medical stuff here
Our wedding vows also included the proviso that he’d always make me tea, I’d always make him laugh.
Husband:
Phones, internet, and electronics
Car (I don’t drive) & bike maintenance
Bank accounts
Cat related activities (cat predated me…)
Car errands
Anything involving phone calls – booking dentist, eye doctor, etc
Meal clean up
In-law communication – gifts, cards, communication
Garbage
Subscriptions + bill paying – if it’s left up to me, we’re always out of laundry soap, coffee, or aftercare doesn’t get paid.
Me:
Clothes purchasing, organisation, hand-me-downs
Most laundry – folding, putting away, clothing maintenance, etc
Most gardening – except lawn
City errands – I’m in more often and have annoying habits like going to 6 specialist stores for 1 dinner.
Organisation, calendaring, decluttering, and introducing complicated systems “guaranteed to improve our lives”
Meal planning + 90% of cookingHouse design decisionsChristmas and birthday planning
Both:
School run – one of us cycles to drop off, one cycles to pick up.Kid activities – I manage forest school, swim, most camp booking, A has a big volunteer commitment with Scouts.
Travel – booking flights, accomodation, we kind of trade off
Sick kid days – negotiate according to who is less busy, but often A takes them b/c he works in a team so his work gets covered
And we’ve got a weekly cleaner…
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“introducing complicated systems “guaranteed to improve our lives”- hahaha this made me laugh out loud!! Totally guilty over here too! 🤣
Sounds like a great divide for you guys too! And I totally get the “keeper of knowledge” thing.
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I’ve just introduced a box for all correspondence / random bits of paper that comes into this house in hopes it helps… but my real innovation has been two laundry baskets for T, one for uniforms, one for underpants, socks, PJs, casual clothes. The baskets are the size of a single (European) load, and the uniforms can be lazily folded and put in another basket, and T can just fetch them from there. Apparently some parents iron uniforms – Scots are obsessed with ironing – but T is often muddy or rumpled by the time he gets to school (cycling commute, messy kid).
I also stopped storing veg in the crisper drawer, so it doesn’t get gross at the back. It’s in a clear plastic box and when I’m making a big salad or stirfry, I can just get the whole box out.
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I think our split is as equitable as it can be and I think Phil does more than the average husband. He does all of the cleaning but as you know it’s because he won’t pay to outsource it. But he has more flexibility during his work day when he WFH one day/week so he will often do the cleaning in spurts then. I could not take a break from my day to clean – my schedule is too full of meetings and such. So even though he’s in the office more, he actually has more flexibility in his schedule (like he runs/works over lunch when he goes into the office which is also something I cannot do because of how long it would take me to get ready again!).
I definitely am the keeper of all the information, the scheduler of doctor/dentist/hair appts and I take them to those appts for the most part. I also keep track of the boys clothes and replace/purchase what they need.
Phil completely handles sports since I am often traveling during their games so he is the point person for that. He also cares more about it than I do. The exception is swimming lessons which I handle. Phil does all the stuff related to cars, outdoor lawn care, and house maintenance. He even puts gas in both cars. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have put gas in the car during our 7 years of marriage. Phil’s love language is definitely acts of service. I would rather rarely put gas in the car (esp when it’s very cold) than get flowers for birthdays and such (he’s not a flowers guys but it’s not something I want anyways).
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My primary love language is definitely acts of service, but I put gas in my car a lot of the time!! That’s so interesting it’s so rare for you.
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Interesting! I should make a list like this for my husband and me. Because when I started reading it I was thinking “wow, her husband does SO MUCH more than mine!” but then I realized my husband does a lot too. Like, he’s the one to handle car insurance or bank issues, he buys all the plane tickets, he cleans the pool… I think there are a lot of things he does, that I’m very relieved I don’t have to do, and I haven’t been properly appreciating it.
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This is so interesting! I feel like our household split is unusual since I have to maintain ownership of almost everything since my husband travels so much. For example, if he’s home he does garbage, but since he’s gone many, many garbage days I HAVE to stay on top of when garbage week is. He doesn’t know because he’s away so much. So I’ll let him know if he’s home on a garbage week and he’ll do it but I would never say “garbage” is his job since I probably take it out at least half the time since he’s away.
I handle almost all banking. Paying credit cards, etc. Any bills that aren’t automatically paid I deal with; I keep track of all our receipts.
I often make and take my vehicle in for oil changes and other repairs. I would be the main person to fill up my vehicle. Again, he’s away too much for me to leave that on his plate.
I manage almost all communications for medical appointments, school, extracurriculars.
He almost always drives when he’s home and I love that. I’m comfortable driving, but it’s nice to hop in the car and not have to be “on.” I almost never drive if he’s in the vehicle with me.
There are a few things that I never tackle when he’s away:
Despite not having a lot of clearly distinguished roles he is super capable and very willing. I’m just wrapping up almost a week away and he’s handled all the kids school stuff and gone grocery shopping. He will do laundry when he’s home and loves to cook and get groceries.
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Wow! I think you have a great split between the two of you. It’s fascinating how organic it seems to have happened. I love it. I wish I could say I was as fortunate in my choice of a spouse, let’s just say there is a reason we are no longer married.
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ooh such an interesting topic! In addition to the novel I texted you (lol), I will list our basic vertical splits:
JOSH:
dealing with service people that come to house (ie, if something is broken, or if he needs to ask the lawn people about something)
buying large appliances
fixing things that are broken (note: he owns it, but umm, not saying it’s always . . . done in a reasonable time frame. But I am definitely not doing it!)
C’s sports equipment
MOST of the late night pickups, but I can’t say he owns it because sometimes he isn’t done with work in time to do it
Help with specific school stuff (monthly projects the kids have had in 1st-3rd grade, helping C study for a test)
holiday gifts for kids! sometime he does bday too
ALL hamster care!!
ME:
family calendar management (COMPLEX as you know haha)
all medical stuff, dental stuff, ortho, eyes, various specialists
signing kids up for activities, camps
following all the team apps, whatsapp chats, etc related to said activiites
same with school, plus primary interface w teachers
medication procurement
household good stocking for most things, few rare exceptions: batteries, printer cartridges
meal planning and groceries (some weeks our nanny goes)
travel planning (pretty much all, flights, dates, spearheading the planning w input)
budgeting, financial stuff, paying bills
“2nd driver” for during the day kid stuff
getting kids clothes + shoes
helping G with piano
weekend cooking/ meals
OUR NANNY:
Primary afternoon driver
weeknight dinner prep
laundry! (80%)
OTHERWISE OUTSOURCED
lawn
heavy cleaning (2x/month)
NO ONE
decorating. Ahh well!
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I wrote this post a while ago and had the same feeling… thinking I’m doing more the planning while husband does more the doing. nowadays, husband definitely does more, as he drives the girls around. Having a partner that is willing and feels responsible to do those is HUGE!!!
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What an interesting read. Your husband does a lot. But then it’s evenly split and that should be the norm, right?
I am lucky that my husband does a lot too. He is our laundry expert and I only do sheets and towels because I WFH and I can start it in the morning and it’s done at night.
I have to cook. But he is always picking up groceries if we need it.
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It’s so interesting to hear how different people split things in their households. In our house my husband is in charge of seasonal decorating.
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Oooh, such an interesting post! Here’s how my husband and I break down (sorry for writing a novel but I like all the categories you used!):
Husband:
All cooking, grocery shopping, and meal planning (lol except he doesn’t actually meal plan, but it somehow works for him so I don’t interfere!), as well as fridge/pantry cleaning/maintenance and regular kitchen cleaning. I should say that I do some cooking because he travels for work, but usually pretty basic stuff and he has stocked the fridge before he leaves. I feel like this is the biggest overall time commitment for the household so even though he does fewer “areas” overall than I do, the fact that he does all of this makes me feel like our division of labor is overall fairly equitable.
Home maintenance–changing light bulbs, batteries, air filters, etc.
All pet care (dog/cat/guinea pig) including vet visits, grooming appts and at-home grooming, changing litter box, cleaning guinea pig cage, buying food and supplies, feeding (walking is the only thing I sometimes do but I usually combine it with another errand or exercise)
Outdoor maintenance–lawn mowing, leaf raking and trimming, snow removal, yard cleanup, weeding, garage cleanup (except what he outsources to the kids, but supervising them on this one is kind of a whole other thing…)
Me:
All school/kid activities and camps and extracurriculars (scheduling, planning, researching, primary contact with teachers, etc.)–this is my biggest time expenditure, I think
Laundry (wash/dry only–kids do folding)
All travel related logistics (flights, hotels, activities)
All financial stuff–credit cards, monitoring all accounts, charitable contributions, taxes, budget planning, paying bills
Car insurance and car maintenance (we only have one car)
All medical appointments and other random kid appointments
Calendar management
Buying gifts
Decluttering/organizing/storing
Daily picking up/straightening
Both:
Kid driving–he’s the primary when he’s home, but he travels for work a good bit so I’d say we’re equal
Dishes (but he does more, because he always does the dinner dishes, we split the rest)–kids do unloading dishwasher and taking out garbage
Decorating (he tends to go out and get the stuff like new Halloween decorations and the Xmas tree, I take the lead on putting things up)
Cleaning–I guess we split this one fairly evenly. He tends to do the master bathroom and I do the downstairs half bath, he does more kitchen deep cleaning, he shares vacuuming duties with the kids, I do more sweeping and wiping down surfaces, etc.
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This is such a great exercise for couples to do, I think. It helps to really know where the division of labor is and probably helps everyone recognize that people are doing a LOT to maintain a household. I am single and live alone so all of the maintenance stuff is mine and mine alone. And I don’t have kids, which helps!
I travel a lot with my mom and I’m usually the one doing 95% of that work because she doesn’t care as much. She’ll usually pick where we stay because that’s important to her, but plane tickets/itinerary planning/where we eat… she leaves to me and I *love* that haha.
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This is a really interesting idea, to write it all out like this. Our division of labor has happened organically over the years as well. I have worked from home since 2006, while he has sometimes had a longer commute, sometimes shorter, and sometimes worked odd hours, so laundry and cooking on week nights have been my thing for the most part. We all make our own appointments and pay our own bills, but when our (now adult) daughter was younger, I did all of that. I think I did more of the day to day stuff, and he did more of the big stuff. One interesting thing is how these things have morphed over time. Our daughter is an adult but still lives with us. My husband now works regular hours and his commute is pretty short. I still cook 3 nights a week, my daughter cooks 1 night a week, my husband takes out out to eat on Fridays, and he cooks on weekends. Laundry is mostly me during the week, since I’m home, but everyone jumps in and does it as needed when they’re here.
I remember when my daughter was little and I was feeling resentful because I felt like I had to do everything, but didn’t talk to him about it because I didn’t want to be a nag. I read something about how taking responsibility for everything can make your partner feel not needed, or something, I don’t remember exactly. But the gist was that if you backed off a bit and did less, you might both be happier. I learned that if I relaxed some, he would happily jump in and do chores. And he was happier because I was not grumpy all of the time. It was a win-win for sure.
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This was great to read and yes, it does sound like a pretty even split (although I am not surprised that you feel like you’re carrying more of the mental load – don’t all women/moms?). I was going to ask if you had to hash things out or if this split happened naturally and I am happy to hear that Ivan grew up with a great role model and helping at home came naturally to him. I think it’s a lot more common these days that men do pull their weight around the house.
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We strive for an even split, too, but I definitely manage more stuff– also I find that his tasks occur less frequently but might be a bigger pain when they pop up…
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