On my post the other day about feeling stretched thin and like I don’t have a lot of margin in my days, a very astute commenter named Margot said this:
When I read this, I had one of those, DUH! moments.
I feel like she really hit the nail on the head. A lot of my perception is just that: perception.
I mean, yes, it’s still true that I feel busy and like every moment is accounted for. But in reality, that’s not exactly true.
Many of the things in my daily schedule are, technically, optional. Which I kind of feel like is the definition of margin?
Margot’s comment made me realize that while many of these so-called “must dos” are important, they don’t necessarily always have to happen, either. I can, on an especially busy day, or even on a regularly scheduled cadence, decide to just not do some of them. Instant margin.
I think I just struggle with this concept because I often feel like true Upholders, or truly disciplined people, or truly successful people always do everything. So therefore, if I don’t, then I basically suck. Ha.
But just because on an ideal day I would make the boys breakfast, and walk the dog twice, and workout, and shower/dress presentable, and work my full day, and clean out my inbox, and cook a homecooked meal, and check off household tasks and and and and ….doesn’t mean I have to do those things every day.
The world will not end if I:
- skip a workout
- tell the boys I have a slammed day and just hit the shower early and skip breakfast with them
- only walk Charlie once, instead of twice
- check out of household evening responsibilities early occasionally and go to bed early to catch up on some much needed sleep
- ignore everyone and work a random evening to make rest of that week better
- don’t cook dinner and tell everyone to make a sandwich or have cereal
- skip a child’s game
Etc. I KNOW these things, and I actually regularly do skip things, drop plenty of balls, etc. But I feel like I still really let it get to me and it stresses me out, instead of viewing it more as just an inevitable part of the ebb and flow of my current state of life. Instead of expecting it.
I’m not saying I have to want to skip out on my daily activities, or that my new default is potato chips for dinner and me lounging in bed at 7.
But I really liked Margot’s reframe. Some of these things ARE MY MARGIN. If I literally had not a minute to spare between working and sleeping, that would be no margin. I do have margin- and I’m spending some of it exercising, walking, with my kids, at their games, etc.
So obvious, yet also…. I did not really grasp this until Margot pointed it out. That’s why you guys are the best!!!
Okay, that’s all- just had to share this!
Back to my full day virtual conference I’m attending today!!
Couple pics to end:
1- from Ethan’s soccer game on Saturday (yes, I claimed I’d no longer have weekend sporting events, and then promptly had a double header in the Dells (~55 minutes away) on Saturday). It was SUCH a gorgeous day- mid-60s and sunny. And the school was in a beautiful setting, all surrounded by trees and even a quintessential Wisconsin red barn! Loved it.
2- this flower/weed? combo on my walk this morning. It had a touch of a “fall” vibe, even though we’re having summer-like 85+ degree temps again this week now (after our cooler weekend).
Daily Gratitude:
I am grateful for Asher’s good friend’s mom stopping by to watch some of his volleyball game last night! It was so sweet of her to come and cheer on Asher. It was a very close, exciting game, too.
GRATEFUL KAE 
Along that thread it might be helpful to intentionally plan “what” will fill the margin in the week or day ahead. For example, I had less time for hobbies last week and got a little down about it over the weekend. But I reminded myself that I choose to plant grass and knew watering it would take significant time each evening and it’s only for 2 weeks. You could forgo a sports game to cook dinner one nigh, but be able to see all other kid events you’re going to the rest of the week, for example.
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I’m a big fan of using margins! It took me a long time to figure out that cooking dinner for my family every night was nice for them and very stressful for me. Guess what, everyone is old enough to figure out how to feed themselves and now I’m not stressed at night. I love a clean house but every once in a while I skip cleanings and the world does not end.
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Indeed very astute comment and something that I live by without realizing. I’ve heard many times that balancing work life parenting hobbies is impossible. I agree that doing them all at the same time every day is impossible but we can choose to do certain things certain days, and in the long run we still do all of them. Also, the margins or the musts that we impose is artificial. I love running and sometimes feels like I can’t go a day without running. But the truth is that I was totally fine not running for 4 days when in Bali. The truly non-negotiables are taking our health, family, closest relationships, other balls can drop from time to time, as they are our margins.
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That was an astute comment! I love how other people can have a perspective on our problems that we don’t have ourselves. And, that is a very liberating feeling when you’re totally slammed with tasks and then you realize, wait! I don’t HAVE to do this!
That soccer game must have been so much fun. I know you’re having a heat wave this week, but the weather from Saturday sounds gorgeous. Very envious down here in Florida!
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That is an astute comment. I am also an upholder and sometimes will have sort of an identity crisis about whether I actually AM an upholder if I don’t do every single thing I set out to do. And that is prob why I have stopped making goals because I don’t like the extra pressure of potentially not accomplishing something.
My days are very full but I also have margin/optional things. I’m also in a stage of life where my kids go to bed early so I have some time to focus on other things, although that is not a time that I want to spend exercising for example. But I can watch a show with Phil, read, etc. That window will be closing at some point when the boys stay up later, though!!!
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I think that it was not only a very astute comment by Margot, but helpful as well. It sort of breaks everything down to one little word and -poof- problem identified. But there was one thing that struck me that I think so many people are guilty of is this comment you made
“I think I just struggle with this concept because I often feel like true Upholders, or truly disciplined people, or truly successful people always do everything. So therefore, if I don’t, then I basically suck. Ha.”
That is where the majority of people “suck”, because we are looking at all of these successful people, or who we perceive to be successful (whether it is in being the perfect parent, partner, entrepreneur, employee, etc) and assume that they are getting everything done. How do we know that? Because they tell us they are? Because we know every little thing that is going on in their lives and can see what is going on behind closed doors? Maybe they are successful because they decided the dust bunnies under the bed aren’t important, so it’s okay to skip a deep clean and go out and play instead. Maybe they are successful because they picked a handful of things that are important to them and just let everything else slide and do what they can when they can. We don’t know what goes on in their heads, only what we observe and what they let us know.
One of the reasons I follow some of the blogs I do is because everyone is so real. They are letting us know they aren’t perfect and they aren’t getting everything done. They let us know that they are struggling or having a bad day. I know I’m not alone in my feelings. We don’t have to do everything and we definitely should not feel guilty if we don’t get finish everything (whatever everything may be). The word “margins” is a nice way of refocusing your thought processes I think.
Your weed/wildflower picture definitely hints that fall is in the air. We are seeing it here a bit as well. Some of our trees are already turning color and shedding leaves, it doesn’t seem possible, but there we are. It’s okay though as fall is my favorite time of year.
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I’m glad that resonated with you. ❤️ Loved your reflections in this post!!
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I think you – like me – just really thrive on routine and you like to do a lot of things, so naturally trying to fit them all into your schedule and that can be filled up pretty quickly. I like the idea of reframing things and identifying some of the things as your margin! I think that just mentally shifting this might help!
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I think that part of the margin that you are talking about is not only the desire to be present and check all of the boxes and do things properly and have a routine that you don’t stray from (those are all good reasons!) but also that we find we need to fill all of our time with something. If you have two spare minutes, it should be “productive” and shouldn’t be “wasting time” and those things start to add up and then we start to stress out that we are not productive or that we are wasting time. But having a few minutes to stare into space or think or read or watch a stupid YouTube video so that we have more time to eat potato chips for dinner (I see nothing wrong with this) is priceless. I know I do this with workouts, like if I don’t run today I am a worthless human being and I am going to get fat and lazy and be one of those people who just sits on the couch all day with crumbs on my shirt, binge watching shows like “16 and Did Not Know I Was Pregnant” but then I have to tell myself to just slow my roll and remember that relaxing is okay too. BUT! Being an upholder, or a maximizer (of which I am both) makes it hard to take a step back sometimes!
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Yes, I think that what I actually really want is to be able to do “all the things” (the walks, the exercise, cooking, household tasks, time with kids/husband, etc.) but then ALSO have a decent amount of “open time”. Which, when you think about the reality of # of hours in a day plus a fulltime job and other “have tos”, this just isn’t super realistic. Trade offs are part of the deal at this stage of my life, I think. Like I can do some of my leisure activities, but not all, and I can do some tasks/productive stuff, but not everything.. and if I want more of one or the other, then the other one needs to probably decrease….
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