We have been totally kid-free over here since last Thursday morning! So almost a week now. (In case you missed it, Ethan is at my parents’ house, and Asher is at his cousin’s.)
It has been nice!! I have this little feeling like I’m not, I don’t know, fully capitalizing on this rare kid-free time and making the “best” use of it…. Some of it feels like it has just sort of slipped away into nothing.
Part of me thinks I should be taking advantage to get all sorts of things done!! And another part of me is like, ahhhh….. let’s just relax. We’ve been opting more toward the latter, overall, but my general consensus is that I think without the inherent structure that comes with parenting responsibilities and shuttling kids around, I am not entirely sure WHAT to do with myself. haha. As I mentioned the other day, it’s like there are SO many things I want to do/ should do/ etc. that I end up semi-paralyzed and kind of doing… nothing.
So what have we done?? Let’s see.
Backing up to Thursday– that was my “me day”. I already talked about that in my workout recap. To rehash, that was a nice day! Tea, reading, making a decluttering plan, errands, library, chiropractor, gym.
We ended the evening with a movie night- that felt like a treat on a weeknight. We watched the movie The Out-Laws on Netflix. Totally ridiculous and unbelievable, but, I laughed many times, so, mission accomplished. 🙂
Friday was just work, my cardio workout and out for Mexican. This was basically a regular Friday for us, but the kid-free perk here was being able to linger. We often have to watch the clock to be back to pick up Ethan from work on Friday nights.
Saturday. A weekend day! A day with so many possibilities, with no kids home!
We started the day with a long 4 mile walk together. Gorgeous morning; this was great. Then Ivan had soccer for a little bit, so he left and I, gloriously, had the house to myself for a while. I did some household chores for a bit, and then played the piano and read my book briefly. My big to-do item for the day was that I wanted to deep clean my office. So I put on a podcast and got that done, too. Very happy to tackle this; it feels so much better!
Originally we were just going to stay home Saturday night, but it was just so beautiful out. We decided to drive down to the University of Wisconsin- Madison Memorial Union Terrace along Lake Mendota, which is probably one of the biggest gems of the university. It’s a major fan favorite spot. They have live music at night and these iconic chairs and tables:
Anyway, we drove down, drank a couple beers, listened to music and enjoyed some great conversation. It always brings back memories to wander around campus at my alma mater.
The tables were all full- the Terrace is POPULAR in the summertime, especially on a Saturday night.
But we settled in on these big steps in front of the lake and were perfectly comfy there.
We stayed for a good couple of hours, until maybe a little after 9.
On the way out we swung through the old Der Rathskeller inside the Memorial Union, a restaurant/lounge area where I used to study sometimes between classes. It’s decorated in dark wood and has big fireplaces scattered around and looks exactly the same as it did when I was there in there from 2001-2006.
We also walked up and down State Street, for no reason in particular other than just to go for a walk.
It was a really great night! I was happy we went out, even though my first instinct was just to stay home. As they say, we usually more greatly regret the things that we don’t do than the things that we do. 🙂
Sunday- Ivan had more soccer, so I had more time home alone! Ahh, yes.
*Actually, this brings up a bit of a dilemma maybe you can weigh in on. *Warning, long digression ahead*:
So Ivan casually commented later that after his soccer game he was chatting with some people there, and someone asked why his wife never comes to the games. (It’s me, I’m the wife. 😉 )
You see, these Latino League soccer games often turn into a whole family affair for many of the guys who play. They go on Sunday morning and the wife comes along, often with several little kids in tow, and after the game they all hang around in the park at picnic tables, drink a few cans of Mexican beer, and “shoot the shit”, for lack of a better term. Oftentimes a grill and/or meat appears.
I have been to these games; it can be… nice. I mean, I do like to watch Ivan play. But afterwards, it inevitably ends up splitting into “the guys” over there, and “the wives” kind of on the other side. And I don’t actually KNOW these women (the men are more of acquaintances/ just teammates for Ivan, too- not like these are his best friends exactly, but he really seems to enjoy hanging with them after the games for a while.) Frankly, I find it awkward. I never seem to have much in common with the wives. (They are always all Mexican, which is 100% fine- I mean I do speak Spanish, but I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. It’s like they all actually know each other (from regular life, not just soccer) and then I’m just this random outsider sitting there wondering if it would be rude to pull out my book. LOL.)
Ivan brought this up kind of nonchalantly, mentioning that this one guy’s wife is always there…. and then they will stay there like, the whole day! I guess it’s their go-to Sunday activity.
I’m sorry, but this is just not something that I really want to do. Usually I have a good excuse anyway- the kids typically need rides somewhere, etc. or activities/games of their own. (*Or, if not, I just want some alone time!!!) Whatever the case, in my very busy, full life, sitting around in a soccer park all day with a bunch of middle-aged soccer players is not something high on my list of “fun activities on a Sunday”.
And Ivan is fine with this. He knows it’s not really my scene. I think he’s mostly just happy that I encourage him to go. (i.e. I never give him a hard time about going off to do this on the weekend in the summer. I am also well aware that by living in the U.S. (and being married to an American (me)), Ivan has essentially “sacrificed” certain aspects of his own, daily culture. These weekly soccer games are a way for him to sort of re-connect with other Mexicans, speak a lot of Spanish and tap into that whole side of himself. His M-F days are mostly just work, which is obviously all in English and 100% “American-style”, if that makes sense.)
But I did ask him, when he brought it up, “Well, what are you saying? Do you wish that I wanted to go to all your games and then sit around with everyone in the park afterward?” And he said, Well, no, not really…. well, maybe it would be nice if you went sometimes, I guess.
😑
This all made me feel a little guilty. Especially when he said that one guy jokingly asked if his wife was “made up”, because they’ve never actually seen me. HA. (I’m real….and I have been to the games!! Just maybe not this summer, I guess…).
But come on! Our lives are SO busy. I feel like I already spend approximately 80% of my life doing something for someone else, or watching the boys’ games, or…just generally being busy doing “have-to-do’s”. Maybe this sounds mean, but I’m really just not interested right now in adding in yet another fixed activity- especially because during Ivan’s soccer games is often one of the few slivers of time in the week that I can just do whatever I want (or need) to do.
Again, Ivan is totally fine with this, overall. He doesn’t ask/expect me to be there.
But there is definitely a cultural aspect to all of this. The Mexican wives truly like to be there- you can just tell. It is a very latino culture thing to spend lots and lots of time with friends/family, talking, hanging out, laughing, etc. Trust me, I know- I’ve been married to Ivan for 16 years now. 😉 Not to generalize, but I am not sure there is such a thing as an introverted Mexican. Hahaha. (Ivan honestly seems to need ZERO “alone time”. Zero.) He is very accepting/understanding of my desire to have alone time, though, so we totally make this work…but it’s still something I have to keep in mind. I can’t expect him to be just like me, and he can’t expect me to enjoy weekly “picnics” with a bunch of strangers. hahaha. Although… I should probably compromise and at least go watch him play a couple times during the summer. This summer has just been exceptionally busy though, so on the few occasions I’ve actually been available to go with him, I honestly have just not wanted to.
Okay, whoa, sorry- huge digression there!!
Let me wrap this up. So Sunday he went to soccer, I stayed home and had a blissful morning to myself just puttering around the house, and in the evening we binge watched the remaining 4 episodes of Manifest on Netfliex and finished the series! This is a GREAT series. I think the premise of it sounds kind of “weird” on the surface, but it’s really sooo good! I love the characters, the relationships… and it’s mysterious and exciting, too. Highly recommend! We both really liked it.
Monday and Tuesday were just mostly work, gym, walks, household stuff…just all at a more relaxed pace with no kids around.
Also last night we finally went to see the Barbie movie!! It was… interesting? Good? I mean, I liked it, but it was definitely a different type of movie, for sure. I sort of feel like I want to see it again to process a few parts now that I know where it’s all going.
Anyway, that’s it for now! Ethan comes home today but Asher will be gone a few more days yet! Tonight we go to a New Family Welcome Night at Ethan’s high school. Eek. School starts Monday for him!!!
Daily Gratitude:
I am grateful for the boys both having fun opportunities to be away with FAMILY. ♥
GRATEFUL KAE 
The soccer dilemma is so real! On one hand, why spend time doing something you don’t enjoy? Life’s too short! This is why I have never been to any sporting event that my nieces or nephews have participated in – watching sports is not my jam and watching CHILDREN perform sports is even less my jam. But on the other hand, if it would really make Ivan happy, maybe it’s worth it? Is there a way for you to make the event more fun/interesting for you? I used to dread my husband’s family reunion until I realized that if I had a car, I could leave whenever I wanted to and it was made a million times better. LOL.
What an interesting conundrum! I hope you let us know the result.
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Yes, having a separate car is always a good idea… though in this case, his games are fairly early (8 a.m. currently) and that earlier morning time is my favorite time to have to myself!!!! But yes, it could definitely help. I’m feeling like the best option is to just plan to attend a couple times during the summer and not the rest!
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I totally understand this dilemma! I sometimes go to things I don’t want to go to because I feel like I “should” or because of some weird FOMO…when what I really want is just to be home alone. I agree with NGS – what about taking a separate car and going to watch the game and then leave relatively quickly? But also – you don’t have to do this, either. Maybe take the boys and go once a season?
Enjoy the kid-free time.
I have been the squirrel this week. I am volunteering each morning (until lunch time) and then I’ve come home and felt tired but also completely unproductive. I don’t nap (that would be productive for my fatigue) and I don’t really work efficiently (which would be good for my mind) on my current deadlines. This is SO typical of me in the summer and I really hate it. I just feel like I’m floundering without our go-to work/school routines.
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Right, as I’ve thought about this more, I feel like the “right” thing to do is to offer to attend 1-2x/ summer, cheerfully, and then opt out for the rest! I think it’s just been extra hard this summer because our weekends have been SO busy/ we’ve had family in town or out of town ourselves, etc. So the couple rare weekends that I’ve actually be available, I have been like ahhhhh finally, some peace and quiet!! Especially because SO many weekends throughout the year I am already sitting at swim meets or soccer games for the boys… (Currently on the rare hiatus before fall seasons start up!).
I know the summertime stuff is really hard for you! I get it! It is complicated with kids home and juggling work, etc. for sure. It’s wrapping up for us… Ethan starts school on Monday already, and Asher a couple of weeks later. But then that opens its own new can of complications 😉
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Definitely a tough call because it’s a cycle: if you don’t go and know the people, it’s not fun. If you went often you would get to know them and it would be more fun; but it would take a while to get to that point and is a time investment! I do support the separate driving as an option too. I know how rare alone time at home is and I cherish it so can completely understand skipping. I would focus on what Ivan thinks/feels, not what is “normal” for others.
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Yes, very good advice! Part of the issue can be that he and I just sort of view the whole thing differently- like I don’t think he can actually relate to me wanting that alone time. It’s just not something that is really on his personal radar. But, he tries to understand and obviously at this point in our marriage he knows me pretty well 😉 He just pokes fun at me and likes to call me “anti-social”, in a nice way. Hahaha. 😉
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I am loving living your kid-free week vicariously through you! Like kind of a taste of post-high school life, maybe? Without the sads! But I get not feeling like you are “making the most” out of it. Probably whatever you ended up doing, you would feel that way, which sucks — our brains are dumb sometimes! For what it’s worth, it sounds like a WONDERFUL break. Time by yourself, time with your husband. Awesome!
The soccer game dilemma is so tough. As an introvert myself, I feel very fierce and protective of you getting this time to yourself. But I guess I could also see how it might be meaningful to Ivan if you went once in a while. Is there, like, a threshold that would feel okay to both of you? Ugh. I don’t want to put pressure on you when it sounds like, up to now, things have been balanced just right. Maybe this was a passing desire on Ivan’s part, and if you brought it up in a week or two he would have no recollection of saying it would be nice if you joined him occasionally!
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I really think the most important thing to him is that HE gets to go play soccer. It’s extremely important to him. We get a short summer season here, as you know, and he just loves to play. So I think so long as I’m not telling him he “can’t” go to soccer for some reason, he’s happy! If I started harping on him for being gone at soccer or something, that would be a huge deal to him I think.
I don’t think me not going along really bothers him that much- maybe a tiny bit, occasionally, but not enough that he is going to make a big deal out of it. Because I do think he understands how busy we are/ I am and he does seem to be understanding of my desire for some peace and quiet and alone time, too. I feel like maybe just me going a couple times per season would sort of scratch that itch, if you will, and let him know that I support his soccer playing and like to watch him, etc. Within reason. 😉
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I think it’s really great for couples to have separate things that are your own things, but I guess if it would mean a lot to Ivan, perhaps once in a while pop by for a bit? It’s hard for me to say because if I was doing my own thing I would not want my husband to come, but it seems like he might like it. I wouldn’t do it all the time though, that seems excessive.
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Right! I think it’s fine for him to go do that alone, and he is always very encouraging/ supportive of me doing the same. I played on a volleyball league for a while on Thursday nights and he was very supportive of that, too. I would stay for a drink after with the girls after and he always would tell me to take my time, have fun, don’t rush home, etc. Maybe just so then he wouldn’t feel guilty being away other times for soccer! haha. 😉 We really aren’t a couple who always has to be tied at the hip, at all…. but I think maybe the issue here is just that a lot of the other wives DO go, so then maybe he feels a little awkward? Like maybe people are thinking, jeez, what’s wrong with his wife that she never comes? I think in traditional Hispanic culture it’s also less common for women to be more independent or off on their own, if that makes sense. Like maybe people might be suspiciously wondering what his wife is doing off all on her own while he is at soccer all that time? lol. I don’t know. Having a wild affair with my laptop, book and cup of tea, that’s what! LOL. 😉
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Introvert here, also drowning in carpools, that almost never gets girlfriend time. My bestie lives in Seattle. I’d go maybe once a month, but every Sunday is a little much. And if I were fluent in Spanish, I’d appeal to the Upholder by keeping it fresh and seeing how little English I could speak.
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And I’ll take my own advice, because the Knights of Columbus (spouses welcome) pickleball league is every Sat and Sun at 6:30 AM so maybe I can go play and report back.
I have started reading 15 minutes a day because of this blog, so up for another micro challenge.
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Awww, I LOVE this!! Yay! I’m so glad it inspired some sort of positive change for you!! And yes, do report back on pickleball! All the rage, I hear, but I’ve never tried it. 🙂
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Love the honesty here and totally get the conundrum. I agree with offer 1-2x/yr – or even come for second part of game 1-2x? That would be my compromise. We had a similar issue with guitar playing – there was a concert or two I missed that I am still hearing about … but at least those are far less frequent than soccer games (and currently not happening right now!)
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hahaha about the guitar concert!! 😆 I think the compromise idea is the best one in this situation!
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appreciate your honesty. I’m with you. If you want to make him company, it has to derive some joy for you. It’s really not a good outcome that you go because you feel guilty not to do it. You’ll resent Ivan later on.
We all compromise in the marriage, I get it. But I don’t see the point of “sacrificing” your little solo time to make him not even happier but more like his friends’ wife, which by the way probably enjoys staying there (not because they feel they have to). so, I’d say, get rid of the guilty feeling and move on. If you really want to show a gesture to Ivan, who seems the type of guy that doesn’t complain much but might just hint, then ask him when a special game will be, that you’d be happy to watch him. It will make the occasion extra special for him, but at the same time making it clear that it’s a special occasion, not every weekend. He married to an american, he should not live up the standard of mexican ladies. He might wish to have the best of both world, but that’s just a wish 🙂
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Right, I think a compromise of sorts or just an occasional game is the best option here. I think he would appreciate the gesture. I also don’t think he actually “expects” or really even wants me to be there every week, honestly… I think he likes to have his time away to do this and would probably feel like if I were there I’d be pressuring him or motioning that we should go after a little bit. LOL. And yes, I do think that the mexican ladies really do just like to be there- I don’t think they have anything else they’d “rather” be doing! To each their own, but that’s just not really me…
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Girl, I feel you! I dated a Portuguese guy for a long time and they are also very into family; in fact, their friends are mostly family, as in, they don’t really need outside friends that much because there are so many cousins etc. to hang out with! And the get togethers are basically a full day of eating. AND the Mom cooks, and cleans and fills glasses while the men sit around and eat. I had a hard time with it sometimes, as obviously I was raised in a less patriarchal and less family oriented setting.
I think the answer is that you pop in, show your face, maybe bring some brownies (?) or something, chat with the wives during the game, say hi to the husbands, and then make an excuse to leave. You are there for an hour, people realize that you are not made up, you develop a little bit of a relationship with the ladies but you don’t have to hang out for hours. And they will like you because you brought treats :).
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Haha, yep!! I have seen those types of gatherings for sure. Fortunately, my husband’s family is quite progressive in terms of the whole “macho” culture thing. His dad cleans and cooks and helps out and so does Ivan…BUT I have seen this a million times other places over the years in Mexico and even here in the U.S. at Hispanic gatherings.
I like your suggestion! I think I might try to plan to go this weekend since we have an open weekend + school and kids activities will be starting up soon. Besides, the boys have been away so I’ve already “filled my own cup” a bit lately with some extra downtime and alone time. haha.
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Absolutely not!!! There’s no way I would want to spend my entire Sunday at a soccer game and then socializing all afternoon. First of all, I’m a pretty extreme introvert, so that would leave me exhausted. The last thing I would
want to do it find my self exhausted on a Sunday night, about to start a new week. I haven’t read the comments yet, but I’m wondering what other people think. And, you have two kids. You’re already sacrificing most of your “me” time for the kids. Maybe if you didn’t have kids, it wouldn’t be so bad to go to a game every once in a while and spend the day. But as it is- no, no, no! I get that it’s a cultural thing- but well, you are an American, so…
Anyway, your child-free week sounds really nice! It sounds like you and Ivan had a lovely night out, which by the way, going back to the soccer thing- it’s not like you don’t spend any time with him. You do! You have quality time together.
Your reaction to the Barbie movie is interesting- I haven’t seen it yet.
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The kid free time sounds amazing! It sounds like you’ve used the time well! I have only been in the university area of Madison during a quick business trip in the dead of winter so did not experience that area in its prime. It looks amazing!
Ugh the soccer thing is hard. You have lots of good advice already but I think popping in a couple of times/season would be enough. It’s tough because you’d have to go often to feel like you fit in but you don’t have the time or desire to go often. It’s a major time commitment to spend an entire weekend day there!
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I can relate to the “there are SO many things I want to do/ should do/ etc. that I end up semi-paralyzed and kind of doing… nothing.”This is me on “free” weekends (and with “free”, I mean weekends where we don’t have anything planned (and I don’t even have kids) and I have a whole day to myself. Why is this so paralyzing? It also doesn’t sound like you did nothing with your kid-free time, in fact, it sounds like you had a few nice outings with Ivan…. that’s a win. (Also, The Rathskeller must originate from the German heritage in Wisconsin, no?)
Re: the Sunday soccer dilemma: I can absolutely understand that this is not your thing. It wouldn’t be mine, either.
Would it be nice, if you went once or twice per season to show Ivan that you’re willing to come along for him? Sure. Like someone else suggested, maybe you can take the kids and schedule it in a couple of times, but by no means does that have to be a weekly thing for you. In fact, this is really Ivan’s Me time and you should get yours as well.
I mean, what if you go next time and then the guys (and other wives) are wondering if you don’t like them when you don’t come back every week after that? LOL
I think Ivan just has to explain that there is a cultural difference and yeah, that introverts need their me time too 🙂
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