The other day I sent Ivan a text that said, “I feel like we did nothing this summer.”
I mean, obviously we lived and we did things. But I can’t shake the feeling that this summer has felt so off.
In large part, I know I need to be realistic about what an impact this non-bloggable extended family/SIL situation has had on us (plus my MIL being here all summer).
But I still feel disappointed in a way, like we somehow “missed summer”. My Facebook feed is full of people at festivals, farmers markets, at their cabin, boating, doing “summer fun list” activities, etc. And I feel like all I’ve done is work, walk the dog, do chores, drive the kids places and sit around and talk with my MIL. lol.
Inspired by SHU’s idea to do a post-mortem reflection of their recent Seattle vacation (ie what went well, what didn’t, what should be different next time, etc), I decided to do a little Summer Post-Mortem. I also want to take a more objective look at what we actually did, because sometimes feelings and reality do not always line up.
How do I feel about this summer, generally?
-“I feel like we did nothing”
-It kind of seems like a blur
-I don’t feel satisfied with the amount of QUALITY time I had w/ boys
-There was an underlying “buzz” of stress (I think primarily stemming from feeling “out of control of my time and space” due to constant houseguests.)
-When I had free time, I felt an abnormal (for me), almost extreme desire to just “do nothing”. I think I was just craving space.
-I struggled with feeling quite guilty, then, for feeling this way. I felt like we should be “doing fun things” or “taking my MIL places” or “doing more with the boys” or I should be “seeing my parents”, etc.
What did I actually do this summer?
This is where my time logs come in handy! Reality check time.
June
- went to Hawaii for 2 weeks
- got Charlie neutered + dealt with recovery
- got an MRI of my back
- went to a swim meet w/ Asher
- went to a work outing
July
- spent 2 nights at my parents’ house for 4th of July
- SWIM SEASON –> drove to a lot of early a.m. practices. traveled to Appleton for a meet. traveled to Milwaukee for Regionals (whole weekend away). traveled to Milwaukee for State (whole weekend away + hotel stay)
- celebrated Ethan’s 16th bday- out to eat twice, also a morning walk w/ boys + Starbucks
- took Ethan for his drivers road test + out to breakfast
- took the boys to their sports physicals
- spent A LOT (I repeat, a lot) of time w/ my MIL, plus Ivan’s brother and sister
- biked to McDonald’s a couple times w/ boys for breakfast
- walked Charlie A LOT (ie lots of summer outdoor time)
- met a blog friend!
- watched a ton of Olympic trials + Olympics
- Asher- went fishing a lot, went up north w/ a friend, swim team, summer VB practices, work
- Ethan- mostly work and quite a bit of golfing, some volunteering + summer soccer
- made some actual progress on decluttering my house!
- went to a quinceanera
- dealt w/ all the school forms, registration, etc.
August
- shopped for and bought a new shower door
- tackled a big bathroom cabinet organizing project and spent a ridiculous amount on bins and baskets at Target
- went to a movie
- worked a lot. Was involved w/ a big new meeting series, required lots of group work, calls, etc.
- went to the hospital for my annual Performance Eval
- figured out our October travel plans
- went to a Sunday evening “party”/gathering at Ivan’s cousin’s house
- got Asher enrolled in and started on driver’s ed
- went to multiple school orientations, parent meetings, back to school nights
- started doing consistent cardio!
- went to soccer + VB scrimmages
What are my takeaways?
-I actually did a lot; it just didn’t necessarily look like what I “envision” “summer fun” should look like.
-I was very preoccupied in early summer w/ Hawaii planning and trip. The timing of this long trip immediately on the heels of school + busy May was questionable. Therefore, I did not plan really much else. (No working list of fun events, summer bucket list stuff, etc.). I definitely feel like I was more reactive vs proactive.
-It’s okay for not every season to be “the best”. Just because society screams at us that we have to partake in all sorts of Summer Fun, doesn’t mean we have to, either. Also, it’s okay for not every summer to be the same. We have done pretty much every imaginable summer fun thing over the years…just maybe not as much this year.
-Zooming out and looking at my year as a whole, it’s been a lot. Between family, our extended bathroom remodel + my parents here a ton earlier in year, fairly extensive travel, greatly increased work stress, Charlie, now the other side of the family here… This summer has been more of Recovery/Survival mode for me. It is what it is.
-I do think there is room for some improvement with my seasonal planning though. If I had scheduled in even a couple specific events or activities that “feel like summer” (to me), that might have satisfied this urge for me, even if they were quick/ not time consuming things.
-I can’t underestimate the fact that just having people around when I’m working from home throws off my whole rhythm. ESPECIALLY when they need rides places. (Improving now that Ethan can drive; we’ll have one more summer next year that Asher still won’t have his license yet.)
-I felt rather overwhelmed with household tasks this summer. We divide/conquer stuff, but I am definitely the “noticer” (IMO the more stressful job). Also, I tend to forget how much having a decent sized YARD adds to our plates in the summer. (Even though the boys usually cut the grass, it’s still an undeniable addition to deal with weeding and other upkeep.) There’s an added pressure of feeling the need to deal w/ certain outdoor home maintenance things during the good weather months, while we can. I am not sure what the exact answer is here, besides just recognizing this is real and needs to be taken into consideration when planning our summers.
So, as the sun starts to set on this summer (not quite yet! I know, it’s not fall yet and there’s still plenty of summer fun time left, but since it’s Labor Day this weekend and Asher starts school Tuesday, it feels like our “official” summer is coming to a close), here is my summer post-mortem.
Maybe I’ll set a reminder on my calendar to re-read this next spring, and see if I can make any changes based on these reflections.
Daily Gratitude:
I am grateful for a great back to school night last night, this time for Asher! It was fun to see his school (which is practically brand new- only a couple years old now, and a pretty state-of-the-art building! Very cool) and meet all his teachers. 🙂
GRATEFUL KAE 
A summer post-mortem is a great idea, and you should definitely go back and re-read this next spring. To me, it seems like you did a LOT. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you did a lot, but it just wasn’t a lot of things that scream “summer fun.” It sounds like you’ve got issues beyond your control that affected it- and also, as kids get older, they’re more involved in their own activities. When they were younger it was easier to just pile everyone in the car for a beach day or the amusement park- now they have jobs and all sorts of their own things going on.
Overall it seems like this was just a slightly “off” summer for you (in spite of the fun things you did do) and that’s just the way it was, with your extended family etc. I say let’s move right along to fall!
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Yes, it’s definitely harder and requires more planning ahead to do anything, because now they have jobs! Or sports, etc. So if we want to say, take a Saturday afternoon and go bike around the lake, well, they probably would have needed to ask off work a week ago…. That is one negative about teens working, and I remember this being an issue when I was that age too. Overall I think the benefits outweigh the inconvenience, but just means I really need to plan better/more in advance, which I clearly did not this summer! I’m not opposed to your move along to fall idea! haha. I love summer but love fall more, and my MIL is leaving now this weekend, so I’m *hopeful* things can start to feel a little more normal again.
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You did lots! I think having teens is tricky in the summer. I kind of abide by the 50% relaxation/50% productivity rule in the summer – it’s fine if they have a slow week because they are technically supposed to be relaxing, but have a few projects, jobs, or sports in the wings. With the mental health issues of this generation and not being taught how to be bored, that downtime is crucial. Similarly, I also have to make a mental rule for Christmas (you love, I dislike, we’ve had this discussion) that if I accomplish 3 things we love and choose, the rest goes by the wayside. This has lead to more realistic expectations for everyone.
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It is tricky indeed! When they’re little, we can just say, ok, we’re doing this. But now, they may have their own plans, or simply don’t “want” to do what I was thinking, or have to work, or have practice… Fun times, but lots of moving parts. I feel like I should have adopted your 3 things rule for this summer- I really think if I had scheduled 3 “summer activities” that probably would have been sufficient to make me feel better. Even though you’re right- we already did do a lot. I think the timing of our vacation was weird, too. Like in my head, that wasn’t even part of summer! It feels like ages ago now. I think mentally I’m lumping it more with spring (although it technically WAS summer…). 🙂
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To an innocent bystander, it feels like you did A LOT this summer, especially with your 2 week trip to Hawaii! Some of this might be related to this change in season of life where the boys are out and about more on their own. I had a call with some colleagues this week and was talking about how quiet and clean out house is since the boys are at my parents this week and all the evening free time we have. Another colleague who is my age commented on how their life has really changed now that their kids are in/entering high school. He said what I was describing is kind of how life is a lot for them. So now him and his wife have been going to movies and out for dinner, etc etc since their kids are otherwise occupied.
The crucial aspect of your summer that probably impacted how you feel the most is having company around and dealing with a complicated family situation! It is very hard to have an extended house guest, especially when they are not your family! I can’t fathom this as we have never had an extended house guest. My parents and MIL stay with us for 2 nights max typically and my parents in particular are SO EASY to have around. I mean if they would like to come and stay for a week, I’d be all for it because my mom would probably clean my oven and fridge and my dad would fix things around the house.
Overall I feel like we had a good summer but our summers are really not that different from school years yet since the kids are still in full-time childcare. We had a really nice visit to my parents and having this kid-free week has been really wonderful. Although I miss the boys more this week than I did when we were in Mexico in Dec 2022. I think when we were on vacation there was such a different vibe and we were outside our home environment so I can’t say I TOTALLY missed the boys as awful as that might sound? But this week feels a bit different with us being home and the boys not being here – but it is still wonderful. I’ll just be glad to be reunited with them tomorrow!
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Yes to what your coworker was saying!!! I feel… odd sometimes about some of these changes. On the one hand, it’s nice to be able to go out with Ivan and not need a babysitter, or just head out to dinner or a movie. But then I’m like, well, in just a few more years we’ll be “empty nesters” and then we can theoretically do this kind of thing ALL the time… so shouldn’t we be doing stuff WITH the boys right now?!! (Which, I mean, we try, but just hard sometimes w/ schedules and activities and work and/or what they want to do anymore…).
I totally know what you mean about missing vs not missing your kids! It makes sense too that you wouldn’t miss them quite as much on your Mexico trip, being busy and in a new place and all. Besides, I feel like that was only a few nights, so this time it’s slightly longer, no? You’ll be happy to get them back today- and then shortly after will probably realize how nice it was when they were on their own “vacation”, too! 😉
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Ohhhh I need to my own summer post-mortem! You inspired me! I may even use your categories, if you don’t mind.
Our summer was really good but I keep looking back and I feel like I SHOULD have done MORE summer. For Chrissake… We went camping, they had camp, they had the beach, they had Italy, they ate ice cream. I feel like I should have read more or exercised more. But again, more , more, more… When does it stop?? LOL
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Hahaha, no Daria, I do not think your kids needed anything MORE! lol!!!! You guys had an action packed summer!! Looking forward to seeing your own summer post-mortem! Absolutely borrow my categories!
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Of course I love this! I think you did a lot but I also wonder if the presence of more people around may have made you crave more “rest” which then made you feel like you were doing nothing… even though you were doing “people” and “rest” which are both big things? At least when it’s written above that’s what I see, as well as an amazing holiday that probably feels far back in memory.
Summer is a super weird season. I can see why people don’t like it as much as other seasons – I definitely notice a longer and more lingering pressure to enjoy and do “summer”.
Thanks for the inspiration!
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YES Rachel! I think you hit the nail on the head. I was “peopling” a lot which is definitely a big thing (for me anyway, as a more introverted type). I think it is underestimated by people (like my much more extroverted husband, who is generally not bothered by lots of people/ no downtime/alone time too much) how much it takes you out of you if you’re not that way. So you’re right- just all the “peopling” was a ton for me this summer, piled on top of all the regular household stuff and the dog and all the work and all of it. No wonder, then, in my spare slivers of time, that I didn’t feel like traipsing off to the county fair. LOL.
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So interesting to do the post-mortem. In a way we put so much pressure on summer to be fun and relaxing, when for a lot of the time there is work and life to deal with just like any other season (and you had a lot in the life category!) Having extended houseguests definitely make a big impact (I had them for a month earlier in the year and it was alot!). If summers not over yet, could you plan in a fun outing or two to finish the summer? Or plan in some fun autumn activities?
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I am definitely trying to pick a couple of “summer things” we can do here in this little interim summer-fall period! Hopefully even this weekend, since we don’t have big plans and it’s Labor Day here so no work on Monday!
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Great pause and reflect pause. I could be that the other family stuff that is ongoing is overshadowing the fun you had. You had a lot going on. I also don’t like having people staying in, except my mom obviously, as it just makes things more complicated. You’ve had a lot so that may that added to your mental load.
we had a rather shorter summer break than previously years, but I feel we’ve used it well, 2 weeks of relaxed travel gave us the mental break we all need. Now life is in full speed but will integrate few trips. Making every weekend recharging time for us has been super crucial. Empty space is needed for our calendar and my mental health. I am loving it.
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It’s hard for me for sure to have people in the house for extended periods of time. I did not grow up in a household where we really EVER had houseguests- it was very rare, and only a random night here or there. So my idea of “family life” revolves much more around the nuclear family- it was pretty much always just me, my sister, my mom, and my dad (and we’d go see my grandparents on weekends now and then).
I feel like these last few years we’ve just had so many people staying with us, between Ivan’s various family members who come from Mexico (I mean, makes sense, but still) or my parents (again, they were here more than usual due to our bathroom remodel, which I’m so grateful for help but also was just a lot for both sides!) I guess it just unsettles me and makes it hard for me to feel like we’re “living our normal life” when that’s constantly happening- I feel like I’m in host mode or having my scheduled dictated by other people in those cases. So even though I really like spending time with ALL of the people, it just gets to be too much on top of all the regular busy life stuff we have going on!
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To me it seems like you did a lot, but it seems like maybe you were pulled in a lot of different directions. On top of that, the family stuff and especially the guests would be very hard for me. I definitely need time to recharge and be alone and also not feel obligated to entertain or worry about anyone else for a chunk of time here and there, and it doesn’t seem like you’ve had that time this summer. Between running the kids around to then coming home and having to still be on, it sounds like you didn’t get much rest which is what we typically think of when we think of summer. Maybe fall is for resting this year!!
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To me it seems like you did a lot, but it seems like maybe you were pulled in a lot of different directions. On top of that, the family stuff and especially the guests would be very hard for me. I definitely need time to recharge and be alone and also not feel obligated to entertain or worry about anyone else for a chunk of time here and there, and it doesn’t seem like you’ve had that time this summer. Between running the kids around to then coming home and having to still be on, it sounds like you didn’t get much rest which is what we typically think of when we think of summer. Maybe fall is for resting this year!!
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Oh my, if you did nothing this summer, I REALLY did nothing LOL
Isn’t it interesting how perception can be bend sometimes by events overshadowing other things. I am glad you wrote it all down a) to reflect and b) to make yourself aware that you, in fact, did do quite a bit this summer. 🙂
I love that about blogging – that you always can go back and read about what was going on at a certain time in our lives. I am sure that’ll be helpful next year when you look back.
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